Let Me Help You Help Yourself With Me, Miles Lloyd

A self-help book, by me, Miles Lloyd.

Words. What are words, anyway? They are just bits of letters really. Bits of letters all joined up to make a word. But some words aren’t words. Like nine. Nine is not a word. Nine is a number. Like 4 or 8. Or 48? No! 48 is not a number. 48 is not a word. 48 is a very naughty boy. 48 stole milk off of a woman and accidentally knocked a child of his bike whilst fleeing on foot. He should have fled by car. Not only is 48 naughty, but 48 is an idiot, too. Whenever you commit a crime, you must always get away in a car. It’s quicker and if you do happen to hit anyone, they were potential witnesses anyway, so you are better of for having killed them.

What I’ve Noticed About American Crowds or; Can Everybody Please Calm the Fuck Down?

What’s wrong with American crowds? I just found the live It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia show “The Nightman Cometh” and got very, very excited, only to have to turn it off after ten minutes, because what’s the point? How can you enjoy a show, a show that is based heavily on spoken words, timing, the usual stuff comedy works on, when every single person in that room feels the need to scream like a clubbed baby seal everytime something happens?

Epic Cow Farts, Syphilis & Here Comes the Mental!

So scientists have come to the conclusion that humans are the main cause of global warming. I don’t know why this is news or why it took them so long. I feel like they should all have their degrees taken away for ignorance.

False-Flag Nuclear Attacks & an Elephant That Sounds Like my Nan.

I feel really sorry for the US government. For at least ten years they’ve planned on invading Syria this month to fulfill their weird ambitions and now, thanks to God-damn peaceful means, they have to find any old excuse to start on Iran. (And in case any of you were wondering, Yes, that was a copy/paste of a Facebook status update I did two days ago.)

9/11 Witness Testimonies as Regurgitated by Miles Lloyd or: It’s Not as Bad as It Sounds

I just watched a fucking banging documentary (A factual film based on facts but without acting or actors) about some guys who got all fucked up on the 9/11 “terrorist” attacks. To cut a long story short, fourteen people were inside the north tower when it collapsed. Inside it! And survived. Survived! Think about that.

I’v Been on the Internet All Morning and Not a Cat in Sight or: War! War, War, War! and Secrets!

Good news, everyone! Somebody won big brother and somebody took photographs of somebodies baby. Finally, we can relax. Jokes! We can’t relax. The media have always had this tendency to dress up mundane stories to look like something far more important than it actually is in a quest to avoid letting any actually important news slip through the net, and today I found out something that’s a bit fucked up.

Getting Nude, Fracking & Reasons You Should Care.

I’ve been locked-out of my WordPress for a little while, probably for being to edgy and insightful, so apologies to those of you who actually enjoy what I have to say.

What I have been doing instead is many things. I went to play a festival on the weekend called Nozstock. That was pretty good. I was naked on stage for a while but don’t remember it.

That poor boy sat on the stage was only 14.

Spying, Sharting & Stupid Blind Kids.

Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there. I was just reading to blind children. Jokes! I’d never read to blind children. Or would I? I think I would, but I’d only do it on my own terms. Like, they could only have a book read to them that I want to read. No shitty fucking kids books about pandas getting sticky fingers from too many jam sandwiches or some arse-fart like that. Something good, like Kill Your Friends or the “Room 101” bit from 1984. Properly freak those blind kids out. I’ll have them wishing they were deaf in no time at all. Then I’d never get asked to read to blind kids ever again. It’s like when someone asks you to do the dishes so you do a shitty job so they don’t bother asking you again. Foolproof.

Hey, Racist! Read This! or; I Can play the Keyboard Now.

So some dude got killed in London today, eh? Not very shocking, I know. But the man was a soldier and he was killed… by terrorists! Duh-duh duh! This, I see, has apparently given everyone on Facebook and Twitter free-roam on the ignorant racism train and it’s not got no breaks! Now, I’m not one to force my opinions onto someone. Unless I had a dog or something. You kinda have to teach a dog how to live like not shit in the kitchen and that, but you know what I mean. I just want to make a point that I can’t understand so many people don’t realise.

Full-of-Shit Kids or; Giant Spider? Holy-Fuck!

One of the kids next door claims to have invented a ray-gun. I think he’s full of shit. There is no way a kid, who going by his voice (I have never seen him, just heard him over the wall from next door) is only about eight years old can begin to fathom the physics involved in making a ray-gun. They are near-enough impossible to make. The US military has only recently tested a laser gun they have, but this is the closest humanity can get to a raygun. Scientist tried to make real actual rayguns just prior to WW2 but ended up with radar. Fools. Fucking fools. what use is radar compared to a ray-gun?