Tag Archives: facebook

Drunk Bums and U-bahns or; Why I’m the Role Model You Didn’t Know Your Children Needed.


So I did this thing the other day I’ve been putting off doing for a long, long time but it seems to be the norm for comics in Berlin so I’ve bitten the bullet and done it. I’ve made myself a Facebook ‘like’ page. I’m not going to lie to you, but it isn’t a good feeling. I have 1,549 ‘friends’ but it turns out only 126 of them actually like me. How sad it is to learn. I knew not all those 1,549 people were actually my friends, but I thought they at least kinda liked me. Maybe they just barely tolerate me. Facebook should let you make a ‘barely tolerate’ page. They’re missing a gap in the market there.

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Hey, Racist! Read This! or; I Can play the Keyboard Now.


So some dude got killed in London today, eh? Not very shocking, I know. But the man was a soldier and he was killed… by terrorists! Duh-duh duh! This, I see, has apparently given everyone on Facebook and Twitter free-roam on the ignorant racism train and it’s not got no breaks! Now, I’m not one to force my opinions onto someone. Unless I had a dog or something. You kinda have to teach a dog how to live like not shit in the kitchen and that, but you know what I mean. I just want to make a point that I can’t understand so many people don’t realise.

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I Owe Some of You an Apology.


But you’re not having it.

It seems some of you got offended by my views on all babies being loud, annoying and ugly as fuck and felt the need to message me directly on various social media networks (twitter, facebook, one gmail) to tell me you disapprove. Well to you I offer this;

Why don’t you apologise to me?

That’s right. Not only am I not apologising for my opinions, but I am actually expecting you apologise to me instead.

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Who’s the Bigger Bastard? Women or MTV? Pete is Lovely though.


What a fucking bitch! Guess what, readers? It’s that time again! I’ve been fucked over by a girl…  for the same reasons as last time! Luckily for me this newest addition wasn’t as awesome as the last one, so I’m not as much hurt as I am fucking pissed off.. And she had the cheek to reply to my questionings with a ‘haha’ A fucking ‘haha’! I’m livid. Fucking livid.

This is all good for you though, because when I’m angry or upset you seem to want to read more. I guess that’s kinda a plus for me, too. Every cloud and that!

It’s harsh though, init? Leading someone on who you know likes you and the entire time you’ve been planning to get with some other dude. I’m kinda getting sick of being nice. I’m starting to wish I was a dick when it came to relationships too as everyone else seems to be. You know who I blame? MTV. From now on, I’m probably going to blame them for everything. Except every war from the 50’s on. That was, and always will be, ‘Murica. But I don’t blame ‘Muricans for it, so calm down. Well, obviously I do blame ‘Muricans for it. There’s always ‘Muricans in charge. Except your current one. fuck knows where he was born. I don’t even think he knows. Some say Kenya. I say probably. But you know what I mean.

MTV probably help with the wars though, they make kids thick as shit so they don’t know what their doing and blindly sign up for the army. Yeah! I found a reason, loose as it might be, to blame MTV for all the wars.

I love italics! So much! you can’t do it Twitter or Facebook. the closest you can get is capitals and capitals make it look like you’re shouting. I don’t want to shout. I just want to get my point across. Although shouting can sometimes be a good way to do that. Just ask ‘Murica. Or MTV.

Facebook.


I have to come up with something funny to say about facebook for a pilot but the problem is Facebook isn’t very funny.It is actually quite depressing.

Example: I have over 500 friends on Facebook but I often have trouble finding someone who wants to hang out with me when I’m bored. This is depressing.

I’m not really sure what to say about it. I use to find it quite pathetic to be honest. A few months ago I was very picky about who I would add to my friends list as I didn’t want dick’eads nosing at what I’m up to and all that so I would keep my friends list down to a minimum.I remember once I went on a ‘cull’ of my friends list to eradicate everyone I never spoke to. There was this one girl whose name I will not say and she’s lovely and everything, but one of those people you have to try so hard to get a conversation out of it is exhausting. Really exhausting. You need to take a break every five minutes. Maybe tag a friend in, I dunno. I’ve sat next to her at party’s for hours before now and the most conversation you’d get from her was a nod and a seemingly forced smile. Maybe she just didn’t like me or my banter, who knows?!  Anyway, I was on one of these ‘culls’ on day and she came up and I thought ‘Well, we never write on each others ‘walls’ or ‘poke’ each other or any of that shit and you CERTAINLY don’t speak to me in the real world, so what’s the point? Delete.’

Job done, eh?

No.

The next day I get a message sent to me from here titled ‘Why have you deleted me?’ (you can guess the context of said message) and I was like ‘What the hell is wrong with this girl?’, but she is good friends with some of my good friends so I thought that maybe she wanted to be my friend in real life or at least start trying to talk to me, so I added her again. after about a week or so I remember thinking to myself  ‘Christ. She did make a lot of fuss to be friends with someone she has no intention of getting in touch with’ but I thought that maybe she had nothing to start a conversation about and was biding her time.

That weekend I had a house party and she turned up. The hours passed and she still did not speak to me. It was a pretty good party actually. It was named ‘Circus-Berzerkus’ and it was fancy dress. I wanted to go as Whoopi Goldburg off of ‘Sister Act’ but left it to late and couldn’t get a nuns outfit on the day, so, working with what I had I had to go as a black and white minstrel. Looking back, this may have been a bit racist but I was watching a documentary about the Black and White Minstrel Show not long ago and it was started by black people, so this eased my mind like it was no-ones business. Which it was everyone’s business apparently as I put the pictures onto my Facebook and immediately got complaints. Only off the white people in my friends list though. All my black friends seemed to find it quite amusing, which I found quite amusing. What a world, eh!? Anyway, at one point she was part of this big group of people in my bedroom getting pissed and what-not and she still wasn’t saying anything to me, despite being off her tiny tit’s on class A drugs. The kind that may you say everything to everyone. Weird, eh? I think some people have started judging how popular they are on Facebook friends and Facebook friends alone, utterly disregarding what goes on in the real world. But not the girl in question though, to be fair.

But I just couldn’t get my head around it. How did she know so quickly that she had been deleted and how did she know who it was? How was she so quick to point the finger at me? Was she Jessica Fletcher off of  ‘Murder She Wrote’? I’m obviously someone she doesn’t think of much, hence the never speaking. So what was it? I needed to find out. I thought and thought and thought about it but all I could come up with was that next to her computer (or laptop, it was 2008 after all) she has a lovely little leather-bound note pad, possibly with a lace or silk tie to keep it shut and inside this notebook is a list of names. Names of her Facebook friends and everyday she will log on and check this list of friends to her list of friends on Facebook and give each one a mental tick (if it was a physical tick she may run out of room for more ticks after 7 – 10 days you see, depending on the size of the notebook, but I’m thinking it’s a small one) first thing in the morning so she can go on with her day all foot-loose and fancy-free knowing all is well on with her internet popularity.

But no! This can’t be right either. This cannot be what she’s doing! It seems like a pretty fool-proof idea, I know, but something about this theory still wasn’t right. It was itching away at my brain and I couldn’t concentrate. What was it?

Bingo! I got it. The notebook, yeah? Say she got this idea when she had 200 friends. That would be 200 peoples names, all written neatly in pink ink, protected by leather and lace/silk (Dave Grohl and Will Ferrell do a fantastic cover of Stevie Nicks ‘Leather and Lace’, by the way) waiting to be mentally checked every morning before her tea. But as she gets more friend requests and requests more friends the list would become all jumbled up. It will no longer be in alphabetical order. Can you imagine having a list of 450 names, the first 200 being all neat and alphabetical and the last 250 being a random mix of ‘Dans’, ‘Nikkis’, ‘Clairs’ and ‘Clarks’? Can you? I did imagine it and I’ll be honest with you. I shat my pants. It would be near impossible unless there was a way to arrange your Facebook friends in the order they were added. Which it isn’t. I checked.

So how did she know? Maybe I should get the real Jessica Fletcher on the case but I’m not sure if she got killed off or not…