I’v Been on the Internet All Morning and Not a Cat in Sight or: War! War, War, War! and Secrets!

Good news, everyone! Somebody won big brother and somebody took photographs of somebodies baby. Finally, we can relax. Jokes! We can’t relax. The media have always had this tendency to dress up mundane stories to look like something far more important than it actually is in a quest to avoid letting any actually important news slip through the net, and today I found out something that’s a bit fucked up.

In 1916 parliament passed a bill called The National Service Bill. This is the bill that means if a war kicks off and you receive a nice little letter off of the government that loves you and it says;

“Hey! How’s it going? Hope you’re enjoying your life and stuff but if you could stop that would be great because you’re in the fucking army now and we’re going to fucking war. Have fun. I’ll be here, at home with my family. You’ll be dead in a muddy field within the month.

Best Wishes,

The Government that loves you.”

Then World War One happened. It wasn’t great. There were 37,000,000 casualties. 16,000,000 were deaths. Sucks to be them, right?

Fast forward to 1937 and the same bill gets passed again. Young people are forced to join the army and a seconds world war kicks off, killing 2.5% of the worlds population and injuring even more. Sucks to be them as well, eh?

The thing about both of these wars is that governments over the world knew it was coming far in advance. It wasn’t like an overnight thing where everything was pretty awesome with housewives cooking food and not speaking while husbands earnt the money working down mines and stuff, going for pints of ale and getting all bully with each other. Generally living life. But not the women. The women couldn’t live their lives all bully with each other down the pub. they had ironing to do and children to birth. It was all perfect. Then, one day, out of the clear blue sky, war took everybody by complete and utter surprise. No. this isn’t how it happened. It was carefully planned and warnings were given, yadda yadda yadda.

Anyway! what I’m getting at is that there’s all this shit kicking off in the middle east and everyone is getting their noses stuck into everybody elses’ business and it’s not generally looking good for anyone and what’s going on in parliament? A bill is being passed. Well, its on it’s second reading but it’s on the way.

“What bill is that?” You ask? Guess. Have you guessed? Well done! That’s right! It’s the National Service Bill. Looking at patterns in history this means there is, without a doubt, going to be a massive fuck-off war.


No. No it is not awesome. What if I get drafted in? What use would I be apart from a human shield? I mean, sure, my legs are thick with strength and I have the reflexes of a fucking hawk-cat hybrid machine but my bones, wrists in-particular, are pretty brittle and I get scared easily. This means I’d have to down-right refuse then I’d end up going to jail, and I can’t go to jail! I’m so pretty and young. I’d be fucked. Litterally. And I’d be stuck in one building so when the bombs start falling I’d have nowhere to run to apart from into the arms of one of my rapists and I hate getting raped. I hate it!

This leaves me with one more option: Go and live in the woods. I’d be even more fucked trying to live in the woods on my own like a fucking badger. I’d be better off going to war!

Also I have shit to do. I still haven’t finished my book, I need to go back to London and get back on the comedy scene, I’d like to have sex at least once since 2012 and I’m starting to get pretty good with Snapchat, so c’mon parliament! Help a brother out! Don’t send us (me) to war.

But I have an offer. A deal-breaking if you will. No! a ball-buster. Yeah, I have a ball-buster for you, David “The Prick” Cameron. You send me to war and the first thing I’ll do is fuck your wife and is that what you want? A younger, wittier man bumming your wife all shapes?

I think not!

Also Prince George looks like an ugly potato.

Also here’s a link to the thing on parliaments website about the bill: http://services.parliament.uk/bills/2013-14/nationalservice.html


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