Tag Archives: rant

Surprise, Surprise, My Life is Shit Again or; Why I can’t Join ISIS.

Working in Berlin is a funny one, eh? It turns out the only reason employers give you a job is so they can fuck you over in the shittest possible way as soon as you think you’re comfortable. I don’t mind losing a job, as long as it’s for a decent reason. Well, to be fair I didn’t lose this job. I quit. But I quit because my hours were cut from full-time to 4 a week because the person I replaced decided they didn’t like their new job and wanted to come back. The fucking prick. So what do I do now? I’m poor and jobless again. Oh! And homeless, because I can’t afford to move into my new flat today anymore.

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A Swift Introduction as to my Absense, or; Strangers in the Toilet, I Salute Thee

Hey! Remember me? It’s Miles. You know, the guy who use to write those awesome blogs you and your friends would read aloud and laugh together over. I’ve been busy as sin for the last two months so been pretty lazy with this. I just decided it was time to start on it again when I found a post I wrote a few weeks back but didn’t put online. This, for me, is a stroke of luck because I’m doing a forty-minute set at a festival in two weeks and really need to write it so now I can just put up the post I didn’t put up and get to writing my set and by “writing my set” I mean “looking at cats falling off high shelves”.

So, without further ado, I present to you a blog post I didn;t put up before, due to it’s mediocrity. Enjoy!

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Iain Duncan Smith & The Mystery of the Job Centre Paradox

She thinks I’m on the toilet. I’m not. I’m just sat out the back and it’s the washing machine draining. I heard a distinct change in tone of her voice. Although I have called them in the past while using the toilet. I don’t see the problem with calling someone if you’re having a pee. If you’re having a shit though it might be decent to wait until you know for certain all plops have passed. There’s nothing worse than hearing someone plop while you’re trying to talk about chicken, but then I think maybe you’d just imagine it as a big egg from a middle-aged chicken who’s just found out about holistic medicine having a water birth.

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What I’ve Noticed About American Crowds or; Can Everybody Please Calm the Fuck Down?

What’s wrong with American crowds? I just found the live It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia show “The Nightman Cometh” and got very, very excited, only to have to turn it off after ten minutes, because what’s the point? How can you enjoy a show, a show that is based heavily on spoken words, timing, the usual stuff comedy works on, when every single person in that room feels the need to scream like a clubbed baby seal everytime something happens?

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250 Deaths-by-Dick & A Word of Advice to Hollywood.

Murder. Who’d have thought it could be such a thrill? Not real murder. Computer game murder. Real murder is far too messy. Unless you used a piano wire or a hospital pillow I suppose, but most murder is knives. Computer game murder isn’t messy at all though! (apart from I did spill my tea on my bed shooting some guy in the throat) And you don’t have the guilt and moral bankruptcy to deal with either. For example, today I murdered about four-hundred people, but they were all connected to an organ trafficking ring so they deserved to die. I also unlocked an achievement. That achievement was for killing over 250 people with gunshots to the groin. That’s a pretty good achievement in a game but if you shot 250 people in the dick in real life that would just make you a fucking douche.

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False-Flag Nuclear Attacks & an Elephant That Sounds Like my Nan.

I feel really sorry for the US government. For at least ten years they’ve planned on invading Syria this month to fulfill their weird ambitions and now, thanks to God-damn peaceful means, they have to find any old excuse to start on Iran. (And in case any of you were wondering, Yes, that was a copy/paste of a Facebook status update I did two days ago.)

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Twerking a Selfie, or; I’ve Come This Close to Giving Up.

I just found out that words like ‘twerking’, ‘selfie’, ‘girl-crush’, ‘LOL’ and ‘BFF’ have been added to the dictionary and the word ‘literally’ has a new meaning now. According to the dictionary literally means;

In a literal manner or sense; exactly: “the driver took it literally when asked to go straight over the traffic circle”

And it also means;

Used to acknowledge that something is not literally true

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