Spying, Sharting & Stupid Blind Kids.


Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there. I was just reading to blind children. Jokes! I’d never read to blind children. Or would I? I think I would, but I’d only do it on my own terms. Like, they could only have a book read to them that I want to read. No shitty fucking kids books about pandas getting sticky fingers from too many jam sandwiches or some arse-fart like that. Something good, like Kill Your Friends or the “Room 101” bit from 1984. Properly freak those blind kids out. I’ll have them wishing they were deaf in no time at all. Then I’d never get asked to read to blind kids ever again. It’s like when someone asks you to do the dishes so you do a shitty job so they don’t bother asking you again. Foolproof.

Speaking of 1984 isn’t it lovely to know for a fact that all your emails and text messages are being read by some cunt in an office somewhere? This is slightly worrying to me because 90% of what I say is really weird when read out of context. Hell, who am I kidding? It’s weird even in context. That John Snowden guy though. What a dude. I love how he’s being charged for espionage and accused of “spying” and, this is my favourite, “Stealing some of our secrets”. Talk about the black man calling the pot a kettle. Is that right? It doesn’t feel right. but then again, neither does anal and that’s all the rage these days.

Eh! I got punched again last night. It’s been a while since the last time somebody has hit me. Well, about a month. Maybe less. I don’t get hit as much as I use to though, which is nice. I use to get hit all the time when I was younger. I think it’s because I’m too charming and it confuses people and when people get confused they lash out. Not all people, but some people I imagine. When I get confused I usually shart and that sucks because I’m easily confused so I’m sharting a lot. For those of you that don’t know what sharting is, it’s a combination of the words ‘shit’ and ‘fart’. It’s pretty awesome.

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