I’ve Only Gone and Wound Myself Up.

Have you not seen Geordie Shore? No? You have no idea how lucky you are. I just caught less than five minutes of it and I’m pretty sure I’ll be having nightmares for weeks to come. I remember when MTV use to have awesome shows on it, written by actually talented/clever people. I use to watch Beavis & Butthead, or The Tom Green Show, or The Sifle & Ollie Show, or The Andy Milonakis Show, or The Andy Dick Show, or Jackass, or Daria. I just done a Wiki to see what shows were on it before my time and guess what? Andy-fucking-Warhol had a show on it. And Jon Stewart. but Andy-fucking-Warhol! How can they go from playing bands like Sonic Youth and The Pixies and Nirvana and Green Day (pre-going shit and doing awful things to their reputation like duet with fucking U2, but that’s for another blog) and Radiohead and having Andy-fucking-Warhol host his own show to just sticking a load of spoilt, pregnant, teenage whores, drunk Northerners  and Lady Gaga?

I imagine that everyone born after the year 2000 will be completely fucking retarded and it’s because of things like this. I use to look up to the people I’d see and hear on TV, but then I’d see people who worked hard to be where they are and get the shows they got, not a bunch of fucking drunken louts who have just lucked out and gotten some piss-poor writers to write them some piss-poor scripts and then hoped that they could act well enough to make it look real, though they don’t because their acting is piss-poor too, but the people who watch it just blindly believe what they’re watching is real because the T.V tells them so. and why would the T.V lie?

And then they talk about how amazing it is! I just searched Twitter for Geordie Shore and some people are saying it’s the best thing they’ve ever seen! What. The. Fuck? They look up to these people who spend their time drunk as shit and embarrassing themselves on the telly and talking about fucking and bitching about each other and swapping boyfriends/girlfriends and these people are now going to think that this is a perfectly reasonable way to act themselves. Our beloved T.V. is forcing these role-models onto kids in some kind of crazy bid to dumb everyone down or something. I don’t know.

You’re a child? and you’re pregnant? don’t worry! We can put you on TV then other children can think that they can become famous and rich by slutting it up, too!

I’m currently listening to a combination of The Flaming Lips and Daniel Johnston. Both acts are a part of the most talented people of our generation and both acts have been played on MTV in the past, but they won’t be played anymore. Why? Because they write, record and produce all their own music and don’t have songs about getting drunk in a club and fucking anyone. The have songs about how nice things can be and love and politics and modern society has no place for making things nice, or love, or real politics.

Fucking cunts. I’m going to be sick onto some Beatles records and The Young Ones box-sets, because why the fuck not? No-one gives a shit about talent and creativity anymore, so why not join them?

And Nikki Minaj can fuck off, too.

Why Sgt. Pepper’s is Fucking Shit.

I hate it when you fuck up toast in a grill. God-damn it I hate it so much! I can pretty much cook most things like it’s no-one business, because I’m a bad-ass in the kitchen and that’s just how I roll, so to not be able to get toast just how I want it makes me feel like I’ve let my entire family down. I’m so lucky they’re not here today to see me. That makes then sound dead. They are not. Well, some are. You can’t expect someone’s entire family to be alive. It’s a bit far-fetched in this day-and-age of doing wars and getting cancer and lorry drivers raping then killing (mainly) prostitutes. no. I just meant that they are not in London now, watching me fuck up the toast. My tea, by the way, is impeccable. It always is. I am the tea master. I’ve been making it since about four years of age though so if it was anything less than outstanding I’d probably kill myself.

You’d have to, wouldn’t you? I mean, you’ve been making your favourite drink for twenty-one years and you always fuck it up. Speaking of, there’s a cocktail bar in Newcastle called “Sgt. Peppers” and I went in there once and ordered a White Russian. It was on the menu, so nothing unsual there, right? Until I asked for milk AND cream. “We don’t have milk” says the spotty, underage, cocktail-retard,

“That’s fine. I’ll just have it with cream then” I reply, quite cheerfully.

“Cream?” The poor, lost, Geordie fool repeats back with a tone of utter bewilderment. “We don’t have any cream.”

“Cream?” Say’s I, “Cream? Do you not have any cream? I’ll go grab some cream if you want?”. Now Let me just explain here that many-a-time have I been in a bar that has run out of milk/cream and gone to get some myself from the shop. It’s not a bother and I like to be helpful. And I like pounding White Russians. The drink. Not the people. Although I’ve never actually pounded on a white Russian woman, from the films I’ve seen it looks fantastic.

“Why do I need cream?” He asked with the same bewildered tone from before.

“Why do you…? What do you…? What’s in your White Russians?” I asked, completely dumbfounded.

“Tia-Maria, Kahula and Vodka” He said, as if I was stupid for asking.

“That’s not even white. I’ll just have a pint of whatever lager.” And that was when I decided to never go back to Newcastle. Unless the Brittish Red Cross were going to pay me £8 an hour to fuck around in the streets again. Then I obvioulsy would. I just wouldn’t go back to Sgt. Peppers.