Tag Archives: sick

Tomatoes, Tea & The Most Disgusting Thing I’ve Done Since Saturday.

First of all I’d like to find out if anyone else knows what the fuck is wrong with the bakeries in Berlin. Half a slice (that’s right, half a slice. As in a thin semi-circle of tomato) is not enough for a baguette. And, on a similar subject, four inch-thick cuts of cucumber (four slices at an inch each, not one slice at four inches. That would be thicker than the baguette, you fool) is far too much to be in the same baguette. It’s just not fucking cricket. I want the vitamins in the tomato. I’m ill (physically ill not Beastie Boys ill) and I’m trying to be responsible about it but staying in bed and eating healthy things but sometimes I feel like the bakery by my house just want’s me to die from a fibre and cucumber overdose. And while we’re at it, sort your fucking cheese out. What you sell isn’t cheese, Germany. It’s just thin slices of stiff milk. Also your crisps suck and paprika isn’t a proper flavour and it’s called a bell pepper not a paprika.

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Swigging Sprite ‘Cause This Bitch Don’t Give a Fuck or; I’m Going to Become an Immigrant. A Legal Immigrant. Like That Sting Song or; Quick, Catchy Titles.

I keep having these dreams where I have to run away from something, but my legs are to tired but then it turns out if I run backwards I’m pretty fast. I have them, like, twice a week. Fucked up, init? That’s not what I’m here to tell you all though. I’m here to tell you about something else. Something far more sinister. Something that would make the most hardened of criminals quiver like a… Like a… Damn. The only things I can think of are either really racist or really sick so I’m not going to say any of them. I actually had nothing sinister to tell you. I was going to just make up some nonsense story that never happened, but now I’m too concerned about the state of my mental health. Why can’t I have normal thoughts like a normal boy?

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Hip-Hop, Filth and A Bit More Filth

Morning/Afternoon/Go fuck yourself (delete whatever is most appropriate for you), how are you? I’m good, thanks. Not that you asked. Or maybe you did? I don’t know. I’m not there. I’m here. Listening to a playlist of Macklemore and Dr. Dre, trying to decide which is the better race. My conclusion? Both. Black dudes and white geezers are both allowed to carry on doing hip-hop I have decided. Not sure about the Asians, though. I don’t think I’ve heard any Asian hip-hop, though now I’ve mentioned it I think it’ll be pretty fucking banging. Gorrillaz have a “Chinese New Year” remix of Dirty Harry which is pretty much the same song, just with all Chinese instruments and it’s awesome. Check it out.

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Charlatans, Scum-Buckets & Monday Night Faith-Healing.

Last night I was watching one of the most entertaining TV show’s I have seen in a long time. It was on God.TV and it had this guy, Todd Bentley, doing some “faith healing” and at first it was very, very funny. Then I realised what he was doing and it made me angry.

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I Owe Some of You an Apology.

But you’re not having it.

It seems some of you got offended by my views on all babies being loud, annoying and ugly as fuck and felt the need to message me directly on various social media networks (twitter, facebook, one gmail) to tell me you disapprove. Well to you I offer this;

Why don’t you apologise to me?

That’s right. Not only am I not apologising for my opinions, but I am actually expecting you apologise to me instead.

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I Fucking HATE Babies or; Happy 100.

Five hours. That’s how long I had to sit in-between three fucking screaming babies on a bus yesterday. That shit is not on. There should be a rule where you can’t take babies on buses or trains or any form of public transport, but if you really had to take them it would cost something extortionate, like £200 a stupid baby. And there should be a time limit on when you can kick off. Like, say you wanted to take two babies onto the train. That would cost you and extra £400 on top of the ticket price, and once your babies have been pissing me off for twenty minutes I’m allowed to kick the shit out of them and then you (you being the mother in this scenario). I think that would discourage parents enough. I also think it’s a reasonably fair request.

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The Worst, And Only, Thing I’ve Done With a Dead Cat.

I just remembered something disgusting, and morally corrupt, I once did with a dead cat. Before we go any further I just want to point out it was nothing sexy. I didn’t get sexy with a dead cat, so stop that thought right now.

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