Tag Archives: crisps

Tomatoes, Tea & The Most Disgusting Thing I’ve Done Since Saturday.

First of all I’d like to find out if anyone else knows what the fuck is wrong with the bakeries in Berlin. Half a slice (that’s right, half a slice. As in a thin semi-circle of tomato) is not enough for a baguette. And, on a similar subject, four inch-thick cuts of cucumber (four slices at an inch each, not one slice at four inches. That would be thicker than the baguette, you fool) is far too much to be in the same baguette. It’s just not fucking cricket. I want the vitamins in the tomato. I’m ill (physically ill not Beastie Boys ill) and I’m trying to be responsible about it but staying in bed and eating healthy things but sometimes I feel like the bakery by my house just want’s me to die from a fibre and cucumber overdose. And while we’re at it, sort your fucking cheese out. What you sell isn’t cheese, Germany. It’s just thin slices of stiff milk. Also your crisps suck and paprika isn’t a proper flavour and it’s called a bell pepper not a paprika.

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Where I’ve Been, How I’ve Been and Why I am.

Well this is something I haven’t done for a while, eh? I’ve been busy though. I was working full-time selling wine and it kind of sucks the life and creativity from you. Not like when I use to spend all my time drinking wine. Those were the days. You might be pleased to know I don’t work anymore so I can get back in the swing with this gibberish I spew. I’ve also been planning out my life. Trying to make it less shitty.

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Me, My Bone & Badgers in Space

I was going to write a blog about water getting stolen off of us by oil companies the other day, but that went to shit when I had to go to hospital. I was punched, or possibly fell, and now my shoulder hurts. Apparently I’ve “bruised the bone” according to the doctor, but I don’t believe him one bit. Call me racist but I just cannot trust a white doctor, let alone an English doctor. Is that racist? Probably not. I’d trust an English doctor of Asian decent (any kind of Asian), but not a straight-up English doctor. Unless they’re a hot English woman. Then they can have some of my trust. Hot women have never let me down.

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Lesbian Dogs are Freaking Me Out.

The dogs are lesbian. There are two of them. A little tiny Bichon Frise and a massive Labrador or Golden Retriever or some shit. One of those types of dogs. Big and blonde. Anyway, the little Bichon Frise tries to hump the big one but can only really grind against a bit of her back leg, what with the height difference and all. Look at her. Duffy. The little one. The pervert. She’s just sat by my feet licking herself and looking me square in the eye. It’s kind of terrifying. A fluffy little cloud of sexual assault. And she pooed in the conservatory. There’s just a blatant disregard of the rules from her. Watching her try to at a Malteaser is pretty funny though. Or salt & vinegar crisps. If you have a tiny dog feed them salt & vinegar crisps. They freak the fuck out.

I sent my application off to Guinness yesterday for my soon to be world record breaking attempt. Well, not so much ‘breaking’ than ‘setting’. No-one has attempted what I am about to do because it is that extreme. People go weak at the thought of such a feat. Grown men have broken down into pissing, crying wrecks and their wives have left them. That’s how intense this record I’m going to set is. What is the record, you ask? I am going to eat 60 packets of salt & vinegar crisps in 2o minutes. I’m hoping to smash that though and get about 80 packets in. That’s four packets a minute. My mouth is going to be fucking alive with burns. Mother-fucker! I just had Ghostbusters paused for about an hour and accidently pressed something on the remote and it’s gone. Gone! Now I’ll never know how Dan Akroyd and his merry band of spook-hunting misfits got on. Well, I kinda do because I know there’s a sequel.

And I have it on DVD.