Surprise, Surprise, My Life is Shit Again or; Why I can’t Join ISIS.


Working in Berlin is a funny one, eh? It turns out the only reason employers give you a job is so they can fuck you over in the shittest possible way as soon as you think you’re comfortable. I don’t mind losing a job, as long as it’s for a decent reason. Well, to be fair I didn’t lose this job. I quit. But I quit because my hours were cut from full-time to 4 a week because the person I replaced decided they didn’t like their new job and wanted to come back. The fucking prick. So what do I do now? I’m poor and jobless again. Oh! And homeless, because I can’t afford to move into my new flat today anymore.

That was a nice start to the year though. I honestly thought it was going to be a good year for me. Better than last year but now it’s back to being a shitty, poor vagrant. It’s an odd feeling being use to having everything and anything go wrong for you. You get a weird 6th sense for it. I honestly knew last Tuesday that I wouldn’t have a job anymore this week. I have to start being more creative with finding ways to make money because it’s looking like normal jobs don’t want me and comedy never wants to pay me. I could just join ISIS and get some of that CIA dollar? I’m going to point out right now that that is a joke. It’s a joke, NSA. Don’t worry. I’m not really going to join ISIS. I’ve shaved my beard off for a start. I’d look like a dick in the propaganda films. Everyone would laugh at me. I’d probably get stoned to death for looking like a gay, too. I enjoy a tight t-shirt and if that’s a lynchable offence then so be it. And I’m a pacifist. And I don’t like warm climates. And I’m scared of dying in an explosion. Thinking about it, I am not cut out for ISIS.

Maybe I could start a pacifist, agnostic terrorist cell and get money of the CIA that way? I could travel the world, being passive-aggressive towards the religious and atheists alike, spreading the word of uncertainty and questionable hesitance to anyone who is willing to listen. I will post videos to my twitter of me shrugging in different places with a phone number at the bottom for anyone who wants to donate to the cause.

Or open a gym for cats? Cat people are fucking idiots. They’d eat that shit up. The crazy cat people, I mean. The sort of cat person that wears jumpers made from their cats fur.

Exploit the mental! Yes! That’s how I’ll make my living from now on. I’ll exploit the mentally challenged and then go to hell a happy man.

The end.

 

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2 responses to “Surprise, Surprise, My Life is Shit Again or; Why I can’t Join ISIS.

  1. Sorry to hear life is shit again. But this was very funny. We could have everyone join hands and do a synchronised shrug across the nation.

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