Drunk Bums and U-bahns or; Why I’m the Role Model You Didn’t Know Your Children Needed.


So I did this thing the other day I’ve been putting off doing for a long, long time but it seems to be the norm for comics in Berlin so I’ve bitten the bullet and done it. I’ve made myself a Facebook ‘like’ page. I’m not going to lie to you, but it isn’t a good feeling. I have 1,549 ‘friends’ but it turns out only 126 of them actually like me. How sad it is to learn. I knew not all those 1,549 people were actually my friends, but I thought they at least kinda liked me. Maybe they just barely tolerate me. Facebook should let you make a ‘barely tolerate’ page. They’re missing a gap in the market there.

I think I’m subconsciously practicing for if I ever get a job. I keep waking up really early. I was up at 9am today and that was a nice lay-in. Good for me. Anyway, I was trying to write a post a few weeks ago about how I became the ultimate hero and role model for children everywhere, but the laptop I was using would only let me type a few words or so before crashing so it was not time-efficient to not give up on. But now though? now I have a laptop that works so pour yourself a brandy, take a knee and prepare yourself for the greatest tale of heroism and selflessness you will ever hear…

It was a cold winters morning. Well it wasn’t that cold. And I had a jumper and a jacket on which was way to much for what the temperature actually was. And my cookie monster hat, which is thick. I was properly too warm thinking about it. I’ll start again…

I was properly too warm on not that cold a morning when it happened. I was at Hermanplatz U-Bahnhof waiting for a train, because if you want a train the best place to wait is at a train station. Germany is a lot like the UK like that. It makes it easy to adjust. But anyway, I was waiting for a train home and while I was at the platform I noticed this hammered-drunk bum stumbling along (I assume he was a bum because he looked like me but he was holding a paper cup and a bag of empty bottles) and I just thought nothing of it because Berlin. So just as I notice this bum another bum comes up to me and starts talking towards me in German. He always talks to me. I’m surprised he doesn’t recognise me to be honest. We always go through the same old shit; he’ll speak to me in German for ages, when he finishes I’ll say “mien deutsche ist nicht gut” and he’ll repeat the whole fucking thing on English. He tells me about how he and his dog are travelling and they’re stuck homeless and poor in Berlin, despite the fact that the thirty-odd times I’ve seen him over the course of the last eight months he has never, ever had a dg with him, so I’m calling bullshit on his story.

Anyway, as he started to give me the German part of his pitch I heard a loud thud/bang/smash – pretty much all the sounds you don’t want to hear at once, bar the sound of gunfire and bombs, and turned to find the original bum laying face-down, bleeding on the train tracks. He kind of reminded me of myself in many ways.

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Not actual bum. As in, this isn’t the bum I’m on about, but he probably is an actual bum. He’s just a reference point.

 

“Fuck!” I thought to myself, “This is your time to shine, Miles. Do it! Save the life of this man who is probably better off dead anyway!” So without hesitation (apart from when I was having that little thought, after that there was no-more hesitation) I jumped onto the tracks to help this fat, worthless, bum up.

So I’m stood on the tracks, with the next train fast approaching (I should point out that were were at the bit where the train comes in. The bit where the trains are pretty much going full-speed when they get into the station so I would have been properly fucked) trying to help this guy out who was essentially just dead weight. Dead, drunken weight. I sort of prop him up against the platform and grab his legs to hoist him up while a few people on the platform pulled him from his torso when what should happen? His butt fell out of his pants! “Ha!” I laughed, “Your butt has fallen out of your pants!” I laughed, as if the whole ordeal wasn’t embarrassing enough for him, now everyone can see his butt! Brilliant. But then I was all like “This is no time for jokes, Miles. You’re on a fucking train track,” so I got my game-face back on and helped the fat drunkard onto the platform. It was at this point I noticed that not only was there not a single hot woman watching, but the next train wasn’t for another twelve minutes. It was a complete waste of my time.

I guess the moral here is if you’re going to risk your life, make sure your life is in danger and there’s hot chicks watching, otherwise all you get is a butt in your face.

Fucking bum.

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