Tomatoes, Tea & The Most Disgusting Thing I’ve Done Since Saturday.


First of all I’d like to find out if anyone else knows what the fuck is wrong with the bakeries in Berlin. Half a slice (that’s right, half a slice. As in a thin semi-circle of tomato) is not enough for a baguette. And, on a similar subject, four inch-thick cuts of cucumber (four slices at an inch each, not one slice at four inches. That would be thicker than the baguette, you fool) is far too much to be in the same baguette. It’s just not fucking cricket. I want the vitamins in the tomato. I’m ill (physically ill not Beastie Boys ill) and I’m trying to be responsible about it but staying in bed and eating healthy things but sometimes I feel like the bakery by my house just want’s me to die from a fibre and cucumber overdose. And while we’re at it, sort your fucking cheese out. What you sell isn’t cheese, Germany. It’s just thin slices of stiff milk. Also your crisps suck and paprika isn’t a proper flavour and it’s called a bell pepper not a paprika.

Anyways, I’m going off on one. what I wanted to say was about how I went to the bakery to get a baguette and I also got myself a cup of green tea (I’ve started drinking gay tea now I’m ill). The lovely old Italiano woman brought it and placed the cup of boiling liquids in-front  of me, when suddenly, from nowhere (well, not from nowhere. I’m sick so I should have expected it at least), I coughed and a big ol’ ball of phlegm came flying from my mouth, landing straight into the cup. this ball of phlegm caused the tea to displace, throwing it into the air with the force of a thousand winds, striking the old Italiano on her arms, probably – neigh, definitely – scolding her. The cup didn’t move an inch though. I dropped 3 euros on the counter and just bailed.

The hot, empty cup of phlegm is still there and I must now find a new bakery.

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