Down & Out in Kruezberg, Berlin or; The Three-Day Fuck-it-All Challenge!

It’s me! I’m back again! I know I keep bailing on writing these things this year (my last post was June 26th) but I have a legitimate reason for this one taking so long, but it’s not a short tale to tell. Well, it might be but I know it will take a long, long time to write as I’m on an 8 year old Mac that shuts down every ten-or-so minutes and it’s really frustrating for me. It doesn’t play music, it doesn’t play videos, it sometimes tells me it can’t run one program at a time. One is too much for it and it just goes “fuck it” and crashes. What is a stroke of luck though is that I’m currently really sick with a chest cold which has fucked my sleeping pattern up and I’m currently quiting smoking so this laptop has picked the time I’m at my most “chillax” to be the bain of my existence. I’ve hardly punched anything (walls, desks, my own thighs) all evening.

Anyway! Let’s back up a bit. Did you read my last post? If you didn’t, do read this and then come back here.

As you can tell I was in quite chipper spirits. Having a nice flat, living in Berlin with a job, making videos on my new Macbook, making a hip-hop album on my new Macbook and it was lovely. It was the happiest my life has been for a while.

Now let’s fast forward a week from that post.

Boom! It is now the future. Well, the past but the future from the past. It is now the future from the past but the future is now the past. You know what I mean. Anyway! so a week after that post I go into my job and I am informed that I am being fired. My reason for being fired is that my manager knew I was looking for another job. Not a very good reason to fire someone, eh? Well if that’s what you’re thinking you couldn’t be more fucking right, but the most fucked up but was he knew I was looking for another job because I had applied for a job he had put an ad online for. that’s right! He was already advertising to have me replaced before I had decided to look for a new job, accidentally applied for the job I already had and lost it as a result. He then explained to me that as I was “leaving” (he was firing me) the job before my training period was over he didn’t have to pay me for the month I had already worked there. I tried to explain to him how I hadn’t left the job and I was there to work which is, in essence, the exact opposite to leaving a job. Oh well. Some people.

So that night I was going to a comedy show and all I could think about was how I have zero money and I have to pay rent on this very day. “What do I do?” I though to myself. What did I do? I went to a comedy show to watch some comedy and just take my mind off it. It wasn’t so bad. I could find another job. Anyway, after the show I walk home and about five minutes before I get to my flat a young man asks me if I know where his hotel is, pointing to the address on the booking form he had to hand. I explained how I did not know where it was but I struck up a small chat. It turns out he was a refugee from Palestine and had recently arrived in Berlin. I decided to walk around with him and help him find someone who may know his way but we came across no-one who did. At this point we were near my flat so I invited him in to quickly use the WiFi and then he would no longer be lost. He was incredibly grateful and he stayed for a while and we spoke and chatted and it was lovely and he was sound. Then I went to the toilet and by the time I was done he had left with everything I own. Phone, Macbook, everything. And my flatmates iPad.

So now, in the course of two days I’ve lost my job, all of my money, my phones, Macbook, everything, and I also have to tell my flatmate I can’t pay him rent and he no longer has an iPad. Oh! and it’s also his birthday.

“Jesus! Could this week get any worse?” you must be thinking? Well hold on! Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn’t. Who knows?

I know.

And it does.

For the following day I am taking a stroll with a friend through Gorlitzer Park and who should happen upon us? More criminals! These criminals were more prepared though. They put a monkey wrench up to my mate and one of them had a screw driver to my throat, demanding I give him my phone and money.

“Ha!” I said, “You are far too late son. Everything has already been robbed! You should have formed a line!” I should  point out now that I had been mugged a few weeks previous to this week, too. I think there’s a sub-Reddit forum that  let’s people know when I’ve left the house with any possessions, no matter how small. Also I didn’t shout “Ha!” I just gave him the last of my money because I didn’t want to die by a screwdriver jammed into my windpipe because, and call m naive, but because that sounds like a shitty way to die. Real shitty. Sex and the City shitty

So yeah. Over the course of three days I went from being the happiest kitten in the litter to having no job, no money, no home (I was asked to leave my flat, which is understandable), no nothing. I was homeless and hungry in Berlin. Sometimes I didn’t eat for days. Some nights I slept rough. Well, I say “slept” but I actual mean walked for miles and miles because I was sure if I did pass out anywhere I would get a dick up ma butt, as rape was the only thing that hadn’t happened to me yet and, by this point, the best I could expect from life was the worst. Turns out It’s really hard to find someone to stay with when you don’t know where any of your friends live, don’t have a phone and don’t have a computer to Facebooks. This kooky world!

Everything has slowly picked back up for me though. I have a temporary flat with lovely people until november, then a temporary one until December. I still make not enough money for a confatable life but I will from next week. I just wont have any money for myself until maybe February next year, once I pay off the debts I worked up being homeless and jobless. I might start an Indiegogo. I did write an hour show about it though. It’s called Miles Lloyd is Two Weeks Away From Sucking a Dick and I’m doing half an hour from it this Saturday (27th Oct) at a show called Sprinkles of Self Doubt. If you’re in Berlin you should come. It’s in a fucking Kino! Madness! Facebook it.





2 responses to “Down & Out in Kruezberg, Berlin or; The Three-Day Fuck-it-All Challenge!

  1. Miss Meadowlark

    You should be sleepless and sober more often:) Nice writing.

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