Where I’ve Been, How I’ve Been and Why I am.


Well this is something I haven’t done for a while, eh? I’ve been busy though. I was working full-time selling wine and it kind of sucks the life and creativity from you. Not like when I use to spend all my time drinking wine. Those were the days. You might be pleased to know I don’t work anymore so I can get back in the swing with this gibberish I spew. I’ve also been planning out my life. Trying to make it less shitty.

I’m going to travel! That’s right. I’m finally getting round to seeing the world and it all starts on the 10th April (If my tooth is ready in time. I have my first appointment with a dentist next week and if it all runs smoothly it should be finished by the 9th. a day before I leave. actually, the very day I leave as I have to be in London that day to get a bus the next morning to Amsterdam. It’s all going to be very touch-and-go. And speaking of touch-and-go…

I just Googled “How safe is it to visit Crimea?”. The Ukraine governments website says “No. Don’t do it and if you’re already there get the fuck out, right now” but the Russian government website says “Crimea? It’s FINE! C’mon down, guys!”

Well, that’s not word-for-word but to quote the Russians:

“Crimea should be first in the list of places that are safe to visit.”

Hmmmm… First? Even before the Isle of Man? I doubt that, Putin. I doubt it’s safe at all. If it is safe, well, you just lost yourself a tourist. I only want to go because I’ve never seen a warzone and I don’t want to wait for WW3 because that might be months away for all I know. Also, I should be living in Canada by then so there either wont be any affects from the New Great War at all or it would be so brief I simply wouldn’t notice the takeover.

I think that would be a pretty good experience though. I wouldn’t go deep into the place, just hover around the north. Close enough to hear the bombs but not close enough to feel the bombs. I hope. I’ll just pretend I work for Vice and I should be fine. I’m also going to go to Chernobyl for some pure, 100% unadulterated cancer action. Maybe grow a third arm or something. I’m going to go to Auschwitz too, though I realised earlier that going to a place where countless numbers of innocent humans were brutally killed and going to a nuclear no-go zone, on my own, might be the most depressing holiday I could possibly have. But before all the misery I’ll be in Berlin and Prague so it’s not all bad.

I’m going to learn enough German, Polish and Ukrainian this next month to at least make it look like I’ve made an effort when I’m there. I’m not going to bother with Dutch though. That just seems pointless. I think as long as I nail the phrase “look, I’m trying my best. I can’t even speak Welsh so you should be fucking flattered and impressed I can hardly order a gin and crisps in your language” it doesn’t matter how scrappy everything else will be.

I should probably learn “no” and “stop” too. I am a pretty boy after all.

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