The Funny Thing About Terrorist Attacks or; Why I decided I Didn’t Want to Be God Anymore


So Muslims don’t like satire much, do they? I can see why though. It took me a while to get into it. I wasn’t a fan of either Have I Got News For You  or  Private Eye until I was well into my teens. Still though. When I didn’t like it I never shot anything up. Maybe because I never owned a gun, maybe because I’m not a fucking nutter. Who knows?! God. God knows. That’s who.

That’s what made me laugh about that Charlie Hebdo shooting. According to witnesses the shooters were shouting “God is great”. That’s funny because if there is a God, he’s probably sat up there, looking down on them, thinking “What a pair of bastards. Telling me I’m great while commiting one of the worst sins of all. Is that what people think about me down there? Is this really the kind of image I’m giving off? I don’t like it. Jesus, those dudes suck” and then instead of having seventy-two smoking hot virgin chicks they just get one haggard, old, white woman. That would be good wouldn’t it?

God? God? If you’re reading this (maybe you StumbleUpon, maybe you follow me on Twitter using a pseudonym. I just don’t know) take that into thinking. It would be a great punishment for them. They have to spend all of eternity banging some haggard, old, white woman. I don’t mean to toot my own horn but that’s pretty perfect. No! Wait there! Hold your horses, God, creator and destroyer of everything! I have a far, far better idea. They have to bang some haggard, old, white… dude!

Yes! I’ve done it. I’ve blown the mind of God himself. He doesn’t know what to think any more. Up is down, left is green. He’s been out-matched by a skinny lil Welshman and he doesn’t know what the fuck to do.

What happens now? Is it like back in the day where if you killed a king you then became king? Am I God now? I kinda hope not. I mean, it would be cool for a few hours, but then I think it might be way too much pressure. And the paperwork! Imagine the paperwork! If you slipped and broke your wrist in a McDonald’s toilets there’d be a lot, but imagine if two fucking galaxies collided! Shit, son! It would be hell.

I’m out.

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