The Most Important Things I’ve Learnt All Day or; The Most Least Important Things I’ve learnt All Day

Right, so what I’ve decided to do today is, even though I’m still meaning to have my cancer charity rant,  stick to “news” papers. I was reading the Metro today on the tube. For those of you that don’t know it, it’s a free “news” paper you get on the London Underground and I think I can improve it, so this is kinda like a open letter to them. Let us begin!

Dear the Metro,

First of all, congratulations on the advertising. I’ve always thought that the first page (both sides) of a factual, informative publication should be an advert trying to tell me I need to buy a Smeg toaster. That’s awesome and kudos. I’m also glad I needed to be told I needed to buy a washing machine. Stand up journalism, right there. Now let us get on to the paper itself, shall we?

The second page (which is actually the front page but is technically now on page 3, ’cause of the Smeg thing) has an advert telling me I need to buy a new phone, then about an eighth of a page telling me celebrities were hanging out together the other day, then three bits down the side telling me that George Clooney wants to renew his vows, Robert Downey Jr. has an interview and David Beckham is doing something with Robbie Williams. Cool. So far, good, informative stuff. Then there’s a headline about a guy in Canadia shooting a terrorist dead in the body and he’s gone back to work. Now this is my first bit of beef:

How is it news if a copper goes to work the day after doing his job? I understand not a lot of mounties have to shoot terrorists on mainland Canadia, but if you get given a gun as a part of your job, having to use it shouldn’t come as that big a surprise. This is not news. Several dead babies were found in a storage locker in Winnipeg the other day. That’s from the Canadia too and it’s different from the norm, unlike someone going to work even though they went to work the day before.

Page 2!

Weather. Standard. Also I need to buy a Lego computer game (I think that’s what they’re saying) and I also want to buy Tropicana. Good stuff. Hard-hitting and strong.

Page 3!

This is where it gets beefy. This is when the “news” stories start. Princess Kate fucking Whatever her name is. Middleton? I don’t know why I’m not sure. There’s a story about her in front of me. Middleton! Princess Kate fucking Middleton went out to a charity dinner the other day. Her dress was £600 and for some reason they also state it was “knee-length”, despite having a full-body photo of her on the article. Then it goes on to say how someone asked what the sex of the new baby would be. The answer? She doesn’t know. There we go. We are all a little bit more educated. Also on that page is that George Clooney thing and I also want to buy a voice-controlled thermostat.


Now we skip to page six. There’s a big picture of a bigger explosion on the Syria-Turkey boarder. Apparently it’s of IS militants being killed. Isn’t it odd how some of the most graphic images you see of these terrorists at war are images of the U.K. and U.S armies bombing the fuck out of somewhere? Have you honestly ever felt terrororised by an IS militant? No. Because they’re not here and they’re not attacking us. It’s nuts. Anyway, my point is that some people getting killed in a war zone is not news. How’s this for related news? Gaddafi died three years ago. Just before he was murdered, Libya was a rich, growing, quickly developing country where education, healthcare and medication was free. The government were putting every person in the country in a home for free and had plans to make man-made rivers to take water to some of the driest areas so people could live comfortably. Now they have none of that and a civil war. That’s out-of-the ordinary. That’s news. Not a bomb going off in a place where we are actively sending bombs to go off. Also I want to watch Brad Pitts new film, Fury.

Page 9!

Some woman found out her husband was cheating on her and got some money for it and this, apparently, effects every single one of us but I don;t know whos side I’m on. His or hers? Then there’s a tiny bit at the bottom about how British scientists are trying to make a vaccine for Ebola. How’s this for news? Ebola is not airborne, which means you can only getting from direct contact with an Ebola sufferers bodily fluids. Also, it isn’t even that fast spreading. You’re still more likely to catch HIV and die from AIDS than catch Ebola, so chill out. Also, I want to buy a Clinque make-up set.

Page 14 and 15 just bang on about how Tulisa has been on holiday, Kate Perry had a birthday, Orlando Bloom is single. This literally takes up two pages. Also I want to watch Brad Pitts new film, Fury. Again, apparently. Page 16 and 17 are all about people no-one gave a fuck about two weeks ago and wont give a fuck about in three weeks time, but they’re on the X-Factor.  Like I said, this is some hard-hitting journalism. Also, I want to go to boots to buy some more make up.

Page 18 and 19 are telling me I want to buy a Nissan.

You know what? It’s pretty much just pure shit and piss, blended together with a rusty blade the entire way through. The bit about David Beckham and Robbie Williams is how they are anti child-cruelty. Did people ever assume they were pro child-cruelty? I don’t understand but after the headline the story literally begins:

Since becoming fathers…

That’s amazing. It actually implies that before they had kids they were cool with people beating up kids and shit. This paper is nuts. I’ve learnt fuck all. Someone said a rude word on Countdown, and then just adverts. Adverts and adverts and adverts. It fucks me up. Where is the news? Where are the stories about Fukushima being declared officially a fuck-tonne worse than Chernobyl? Where are the stories about how the US government is sending unmanned shuttles into space for years at a time and refusing to tell anyone what they’re doing up there? Where are the stories about how smoking marijuana makes you a gay rapist? Where are all the stories about how Ireland has recognised Palestine as its own state? Fuck knows. And we never will, because we don’t get to decide what is important information to us and what isn’t.

Next week: The Financial Times.


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