Red, Red Wine & Naughty, Naughty Courgettes.


I just went to the shop and bought a can of citrus Rio, a bottle of Lucozade, a bottle of Perrier (posh, fizzy water to you peasants) and a bottle of wine, or what I like to call “an alcoholics breakfast”. It’s cool though. I have a 9 – 5 job now so I’m allowed to have a glass of wine before 11 am. Plus, that 9 – 5 (I use that term loosely) is in marketing, looking for marketers who want to partner in a digital marketing agency so I’m pretty much everything 20 year old me hated now so I have to drink. I hate marketing. and advertising. Fuck that shit. I don’t need to be told what I think I want. I know what I think I want; I think I want boobs. It’s boobsI think I want but you never see an advert for boobs, do you?

I think spellchecker needs to have a grammar checker, too. Granted, I’d be out of one of my other jobs as a copywriter, but those illiterate fools would still need content and I can charge more for that. What I like the best about spellchecker is how it doesn’t recognise ‘spellchecker’ as a word. Fucking idiot. My mate has a web development company and their CSM has a spellchecker, but it doesn’t give you suggested edits. It just tells you something’s spelt wrong, so then you have to go Google it. Seems silly to me, but then again that could be because I don’t like Googling things I’ve written because it just shows me a link to one of the pages I’ve massively plagiarised.

I did that thing again where I look at the things people have searched my blog for. It’s mostly 300 things like “bloody vagina”, “what my vagina look like with blood on it”, “self harm inner thighs”, “self harm inner thigh photo”,*  “hen lesbian orgy”, “lesbians with also dog”, ” [sic] but there’s also some stuff I don’t want to talk about. Honestly, it’s weird. I assume the blood-on-my-vagina gang were looking for this. You should go read it. It has four five-star ratings. More than this shower of shit.

By the way, check out the size of this courgette:

It's almost as big as my dick!

It doesn’t even fit in my selfie! I had originally took a picture of it against a cherry tomato, but it was so big that cherry tomato didn’t do it justice. Here it is against a fridge:

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Jesus-fucking-Christ, look at that courgette!

Here it is against a slice of seeded, wholegrain bread, with flash:

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Against seeded, wholegrain bread, without flash:

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And as a dick:

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Thank you and good night.**

*One of you has a weird fetish. You’re weird. Stop coming here.

**Morning, but good night has a better ring to it.

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