Scotland, Rimming & Your New God


So the Scottish are hosting an athletic sporting event and as if that isn’t bizarre enough they plan on blowing up some flats for the opening ceremony. Not even blowing them up like in a J.J. Abrams film but just a controlled demolition. These buildings need to come down anyway and they also need to come up with an opening ceremony and some guy, or hen, thought “why not combine the two?” Most, or all, opening ceremonies of all the different games usually have some sort of representation of what that country is about and someone was sat in their office and though “Flats blowing up! What’s more Scottish than that?” and everyone agreed with him. Or her. Once again, it could be a hen. “Hen” is Scotland talk for woman by the way, in-case you’re wondering. It’s not an actual hen. They don’t have poultry making decisions.

I’m watching a pretty good documentary about Christians who live their life by the bible and they keep quoting it… completely wrong! They’re currently telling us what parts of the bible say what about two guys rimming or two chicks scissoring being not on. It does say it’s an abomination to be gay, but in the same passage it also says it’s an abomination to wear cotton and linen together, plant two seeds together and, my favorite, eat prawns. That’s right. Do you love God and eat prawns? Then your god thinks you’re a fucking cunt and he hates you as much as you hate bum-boys and dykes. There’s some good abominations in there to be fair. The sacrifice of imperfect animals is a good one. You can murder your mates dog, that’s fine, but if your mates dog had a limp or a gammy eye then you’re going to hell, you shit.

Fuck me brown, there’s a lot of money in preaching! There’s one guy who makes $300,000,000 a year! What?! I would be more than happy to pretend to be a gay-bashing, ill-educated, arrogant, egotistical, rude, aggressive, honest christian for that kind of dolla-dolla. I’m going to start a church, fuck this shit. actually, fuck that shit! I’m going to get all L. Ron Hubbard and start a religion. It’ll be one of those religions where no-one is allowed to get married but I’m allowed up to, and including, three-hundred wives. That’s the kinda crew I’ll be fronting. We will accept all science, except any science that has something to do with the sky because as far as we are concerned the sky is a big painting I put there. Why did I put it there? Well you just broke the first rule. you questioned your messiah. Now you get to go to hell with all the primary school teachers and doctors, because guess what? That’s not allowed either! It’s going to be awesome.

If you want to join send £15 on the back of a postcard to the usual address for your starter pack. If you are married please ensure all divorce paperwork is finalised before sending off and also burn the tips of your fingers with an iron because that’ll be our thing because why the fuck not? And also your new god demands it. His name is Brian by the way, and Brian straight-up hates you, but he doesn’t pretend to love you then shit all over your life like the rubbish god you have now. Brian thinks you’re a piece of shit, your wife, your mother and your children are all shit pieces, like fart gas. Brian thinks you can all suck a dick and he wants you to know it. Isn’t he great? Also, there is no hell. what happens instead is every time you misbehave you have to get a tube from Leicester Square at 9pm on a Saturday going East, then you have to get the tube back, but this time get off at Covent Garden and the lifts don’t work.

Things can only get better. Thanks, Brian!

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