Flapping my Dick at Strangers or; A Helping Hand for Vanilla Ice

Well, hello there! Long time no see. How do you do? Really? That’s pretty cool. I wish I had done that. I didn’t though. Instead I’ve been filling my days with other things. Such as skateboarding and watching documentaries. I’m watching one now called Biggie and Tupac. It’s pretty interesting. Like, did you know Tupac was black? I know right! Crazy. I’ve also been doing a show with Arthur Smith. Arthur Smith Sings Leonard Cohen vol. 2 it’s called. My part was to dance onto stage wearing a Leonard Nemoy mask and playing the accordion, all while nude, flapping my junk at whoever was sat in the front row. The Telegraph called my unclothed, sculpted body “eye-popping” which is pretty good, depending on how you look at it. I’m going to start using that review when I hit on girls. “Hey,” I’ll tell them, “The Telegraph called my naked body eye-popping. Would you like to see for yourself?” But like I’ve gone over in posts before I’m very bad at reading women, so even if they did reply with a “yes” I’d probably just Google the review to show them, then go home alone and sulk while I wank.

Apparently Biggie smalls use to have “all the Nintendo games” according to Nick Broomfield. I can’t believe how much I’m learning. Tupac was black and Biggie had all the games. They must have been very popular in The Hood. Where even is The Hood? a lot of rappers are from there, or at least frequent it often. Maybe it’s a club or something in Compton? I dunno. I’ve not listened to much rap. Well, apart from Dr. Dres Chronic 2001 and a few Vanilla Ice demos. I’m surpised Vanilla Ice didn’t make it bigger. That guy had swag before swag was swagged. Maybe he should have called himself something else. Something cooler and something that abbreviates his real name, like what Dr. Dre and Eminem did. they got creative and they got pretty far. Dr. M&M’s? that could have worked for him. I’ll get my people onto his people, though I have no idea where my mother will get contact details for Vanilla Ice.

Sometimes I feel like I was born to rap. Or at least I should start. I grew up in a shit-hole. The town, not my house. What else? I’ve been involved in a lot of violent crime, although I have only ever been on the receiving end. I can spit like a cheap, smack-riddles hooker though. I think those three things are all you need to get into Rap? Apart from the fact I don’t have an awesome car (or a car at all) or a smoking hot girlfriend (or a girlfriend at all) to brag about a la Kanye West I think I have everything it takes.

That reminds me! I’ve got one single, lonely song on my Soundcloud. It’s all hip-hop and shit and about being white. If you want, listen to it. I’ll put it below. If you don’t just go read a different post what I did once. That’s cool. Or go off the internet entirely and do something the NSA can’t find out about. They know all the porn you’re into, but I bet you a tenner they can’t name the books you’re reading. Unless you use a Kindle. You cunt.

I’m nt sure if the embedding works, so here’s the Soundcloud address.



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