I’m going to Frack My Garden, Your Garden, Everybody’s Garden! or; I’d Frack my Own Face if I Could

Something unusual happened in Bristol yesterday. well, not Bristol as such, but the Bristol Channel. There was a 4.1 magnitude earthquake. Also, in the last fifty days there has been 42 earthquakes in Nottingham but these have been very small, ranging between 0.8 and 2 but a 2 is not half of a 4. The way it works is a 2 is 2,000,000x stronger than a 1, a 3 is 3,000,000x stronger than a 2 and so on and so forth. Apparently, this mental amount of earthquakes has been put down to “mining” but I don’t think that’s quite the case. I think it’s been sugar-coated a bit.

Fracking. There we are. I’m banging on about that again. I think it’s because of Fracking. There are currently a few companies drilling there to see how good it will be to fracture the earth open for unnecessary needs, or dirty Bastard oil company money, depending on how you look at it. either side of the Bristol channel, in Bath and around Cardiff, the ground has already been drilled into ready for sites that have already been approved, despite a massive public opposition. “But Miles! Why have you just jumped to the conclusion of Fracking? You will literally blame anything on it, you kook!” Well…

There’s a place in America you might have heard of called Oklahoma. Something funny has been happening there over the course of the last seventeen days, and not funny “ha-ha” but funny “uuurgh”. Would you like to know what’s happened there in the last seventeen days? No? Well I’m going to tell you anyway; 179 earthquakes. That’s right. In just seventeen fucking days they’s had almost two-hundred earthquakes. Yup. Now, there is no official link between fracking and an increase in earthquakes but it is the only thing that has changed in these areas, so that’s another thing you can add to the list of how horrible it will be to be alive once fracking goes into full effect. And when I say “horrible” I actually mean FUCKING AWESOME! Check this shit out.

Our countrysides will look like this:


When they use to look like this:

That is some nasty shit, right there.

And all of those empty patches that were once grass will have one of these:

It looks just like Cape Canaveral! Coolio!

And your tap water will look like this:

Just pretend it’s barley water!

And it will do this:

How cool is that?

And you won’t ever have to deal with having to look at these disgusting, clean, renewable (Oh, did I not mention again? the best bit about fracking is it will only last us, like, 15 years) things:

Stupid things use nature to our advantage. We’re not Monkeys anymore, you foolish hippies!

I know what you’re thinking. “This all seems too good to be true!” and you’re right. It does have one disadvantage. You will be cures to have sad, ginger children, but that’s a small price to pay for a completely destroyed environment, economy and your personal health.

Maybe not so much sad as indifferent.

so write to your government now and say “Yes please, you fascist, ignorant, selfish Tory cunts!” And who knows? If we’re lucky they’ll be the reason for an increase in random sinkholes sucking up houses and killing your gran!

I love the future.


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