250 Deaths-by-Dick & A Word of Advice to Hollywood.

Murder. Who’d have thought it could be such a thrill? Not real murder. Computer game murder. Real murder is far too messy. Unless you used a piano wire or a hospital pillow I suppose, but most murder is knives. Computer game murder isn’t messy at all though! (apart from I did spill my tea on my bed shooting some guy in the throat) And you don’t have the guilt and moral bankruptcy to deal with either. For example, today I murdered about four-hundred people, but they were all connected to an organ trafficking ring so they deserved to die. I also unlocked an achievement. That achievement was for killing over 250 people with gunshots to the groin. That’s a pretty good achievement in a game but if you shot 250 people in the dick in real life that would just make you a fucking douche.

Computer games are weird though, eh? I’m probably the biggest pacifist I know but I do love incredibly violent computer games. I use to be happy getting the raccoon or frog suit on Mario Bros. 3 and just fucking about, but now I’m not satisfied until I’ve spent nine hours as a maverick ex-cop killing criminals off-duty or spent over a decade as someone in the army, shooting Middle Eastern people in the kneecaps just to watch them struggle and pray to be put out of their misery by means of a bullet in the head, only to let them live a few more hours of agonising pain before they finally bleed to death or get torn apart by a pack of wild dogs and then arranging some drone attacks on a school in Pakistan. Wait… That last bit isn’t in any games I’ve played. I think I just read that in the news and got it mixed up with Battlefield. It seems more like something I would have read in the news. At least, I should have read about that in the news. It happens and it’s fucked up. Computer games actually obey the Geneva Convention, so that’s all good.

A trailer just came on for the new Cohen Brothers film Inside Llewyn Davies. I think it’s pretty cool how they have a main character with a Welsh name, just like in No Country For Old Men the main character is called Llewelyn. That’s awesome. I’m all about using welsh things for things that aren’t Welsh and are outside of Wales but I have one bit of beef; If you’re going to use Welsh names in your films make sure you pronounce them properly, you fucks! Two L’s together isn’t just two L’s together. It’s one letter and that is the letter Ll and it isn’t pronounced like two L’s. Two L’s is shit. It’s a completely different sound. You have to put your tongue to the roof of your mouth and make the same sound as a startled goose. That’s how you pronounce a Ll, you fucks. Sort it out, Hollywood.

I’m going to have a hate-shit now. Good-day to you.


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