I got a call a few weeks ago off of Come Dine With Me asking if I wanted to go on the show and I wrote this post, but they immediately rang me asking to to take it down in case I made the “final 5” and they don’t want contestants knowing who else may be on it. But today I found out I won’t be on it, so here we go!
Well that was a weird way to wake up. My alarm went off and aroused me from my slumber, but it wasn’t my alarm at all! it was a phone call. Crazy! A phone call off of Come Dine With Me of all things. Asking me if I fancy going on said show. It’s odd because I was going to apply for it but thought to myself “Nah, fuck that,” and just got on with my life. But then they got my number off a comedy promoter. Apparently they searched high and low for me. They heard about me and said to themselves, “We cannot sleep until we get a hold of this man! We cannot sleep!” and walked on foot for days until the heard about a man who may know how to get a hold of me. That or they just rung him and and said “Know any two-bit comedians from Llanelli who might be desperate enough to come on reality TV?” and he said “Why yes! Yes I do! I have just the man your looking for!” and gave them my number.
It’ll be a hoot though if I don’t give everyone food poisoning. I could even hunt the food myself! That’ll be good. Well, not “hunt” as such but more “corner a pig in a pen with a samari sword and start jabbing at it”. That kind of hunting. Or I could feed them bear? I could hunt them a bear and kill it with my fists. Is bear something people eat here? We have bears in wales, right? Some trance song came on my i-Tunes and my instinct was to immediately slap myself in the face for having it on here. I didn’t even think about it. I just slapped myself and I deserved it. But yeah. Bear would be good.
I just Googled “bears in Wales” and as it turns out I was thinking of badgers. So I’ll just do that instead then. I’ll hunt them a badger for supper and I’ll kill it with my fists. Apparently badger burgers are quite nice according to the internet. I wouldn’t eat it though. That’s an idea! I might make only food I don’t like and eat myself before they get there. Then they’ll all be eating except me and when they as me why I’m not having food I’ll just say “Oh, no no! you go on you. You eat up,” with a weird smile on my face. Really freak ’em out. I might even buy a hamster to keep in my top pocket.