Right, I haven’t written a blog in ages. Stuff happened and I got lazy with it. Hey-Ho, shit happens. That shit was I got a proper job. As a chef. But then I got sacked. Not because of my cooking. My cooking was, and is, awesome. No, I got sacked because I was deemed “too charming and delightful” for the country club. But I got sacked, so now I’m back and I’ve happened amongst an idea. A big idea. It’s a live action “blog”-cast (every time I use the word “blog” from here-on in it’ll have quotation marks, because I hate the word. I hate it with a burning passion. When someone users the word “blog” you just think “fucking internet hipster” and I will not be labelled a hipster.). That’s right! Live! Everything I type will be coming live, from my bedroom and we’re in for quite an exciting ride. What I’ve decided to do for you all, as a special treat, is use Firefox instead of Google, fucking, what-ever it’s called. Chrome! Google Chrome. I’m going to casually use the internet as I usually do… but on a whole new brower! It’s gonna be a whole world of kooky miss-haps!
Also, to help give you that “live” feeling, every time a new song comes on on my iTunes I’ll announce it in capital letters so you can put it on too. Here we go!
Right, first things first, I’m gonna open it. I did it. – DONT LOOK BACK INTO THE SUN by THE LIBERTINES – It’s asked if I want it to be my default browser. This fox is a right fucking joker! I’m going to click “probably not.”
There isn’t a “probably not” option, so I chose “no” instead.
So our first stop! Failblog. Already Firefox sucks because I have to type the whole address in. I can’t just hit the F key and enter. And I wasn’t connected to the internet. For both of those things to happen live in front of all you people is very embarrassing. – STEAM ENGENIUS by MODEST MOUSE –
Well, it wont seem to open any pages. I just went to ask Google chrome what the problem was and he isn’t – VEGITARIAN MUMBO JUMBO by NOFX – responding. I’m freaking out. This is intense stuff! It’s says it’s loading the page but it’s taking ages. No, wait. There it is. Failblog! But not on Firefox. Firefox is refusing to recognise the internet. It’s just too mainstream, I suppose. That’s your internet hipster right there. Mozilla-fucking-Firefox. The shit.
Right, now that gob-shite Mozilla is just a filthy memory, let’s get back to the internet! – ACROSS THE UNIVERSE by THE BEATLES –
I think Rebecca Black has made a new song. I’m going to – PAUSE BEATLES AND PLAY REBECCA BLACK – “SATURDAY” BUT THEN AS SOON AS IT’S FINISHED PUT THE DODOS ON.
This is awful. The budget is a big better though. They have sparklers. That was a pretty sick drop and there was someone in a “onesie”. This is the shit. She said “Friday”! She did it! What a wild-card! And a man pretending to sing into a hairbrush… but he isn’t wearing any trousers! And a probably fake copper pretending to arrest a black guy. Actually, that sound like it might just be an actual copper. Those crazy Americans.
Well there we go. I’m sorry you had to listen to that. But like I said, it’s live. Literally anything could happen. Let’s go back to Failblog.
Something about a 100 year-old woman, something about a cat on Facebook, the usual so far. A roof. A pretty good roof. A dog, but wait! What is – PLAY IT COOL by SUPER FURRY ANIMALS – this? A vote for the biggest “Fail” of the year. Nah, I dunno. I just kinda skimmed through it. I don’t know if I can be arsed to look at Failblog. Maybe Youtube? Or no! Let’s live life. Let’s go see what’s on funny or die.
I just went to leave Failblog and I saw a “fail” that I’d seen before, making it a fail for me, making it a double fail for them, which – ISLAND GIRL by ELTON JOHN- turned into the whole Catch-22 in my head and I blacked out for a bit. I’m alright now though. Maybe to get the full 3D Live blog-Cast feel go back a bit and hold your breath for as long you can between those two paragraphs. Properly for as long as you can though. Get a belt if need be.
I forgot what I was on about so I’m heading on to Cracked.com. Thankfully all I had to hit was C and enter and it got me there pretty quickly indeed. Nah, it’s this whole reading thing I – ALL MY FRIENDS by PAVEMENT – can’t be arsed to do. I could play Battlefield 3. Kill some God-damn terrorists, kiss a dame or two, same old same old. Or I do keep forgetting I have Netflix. I’m popping away from my computer. For that true 3D Live Blog-Cast feel maybe turn around or close your eyes until I’m back. K THNX BYE.
– PUT FLAWS by BOMBAY BICYCLE CLUB ON A MINUTE AND A HALF AGO –
I’m back! I got a packet mocha and had a yougurts, if you want to maybe do the same? I dunno. I did have a chance to think, though. I’m now going to watch something on Netflix. Yes. Go open your Netflix – YOUR SOUTHERN CAN IS MINE by THE WHITE STRIPES – or what ever it is you use to illegally watch things and get ready.
For some reason Downton Abbey is recommended for me? That’s an odd one. Moving – PRIMARY by THE CURE – on. Right, wait for this cure song to finish then put an episode of The Office (US) on. We’ll rendezvous soon.
Well this is awkward. I fell asleep. – BLACK WAVE by THE SHINS – I’ve let you sit there for almost six hours, doing nothing but anticipate my return. But like I said, this is live and anything can happen. I feel like I should make it up to you though. Or you can go back to when you were watching that episode of The Office and fall asleep for almost 6 hours, too? That’s probably your best bet but for those of you without the ability to manipulate space and time (fools) here a gif of a cat being cooler than you:
So there we go! That was Miles Lloyds Live-Action Comedy Blog-Cast and my return to blogging. And the good news is I am now completely unemployed so – LET’S GET SANDY by BE YOUR OWN PET – I’ll be back tomorrow with my last post of the year, probably moaning about how shit and unproductive my year has been.