Morning/Afternoon/Go fuck yourself (delete whatever is most appropriate for you), how are you? I’m good, thanks. Not that you asked. Or maybe you did? I don’t know. I’m not there. I’m here. Listening to a playlist of Macklemore and Dr. Dre, trying to decide which is the better race. My conclusion? Both. Black dudes and white geezers are both allowed to carry on doing hip-hop I have decided. Not sure about the Asians, though. I don’t think I’ve heard any Asian hip-hop, though now I’ve mentioned it I think it’ll be pretty fucking banging. Gorrillaz have a “Chinese New Year” remix of Dirty Harry which is pretty much the same song, just with all Chinese instruments and it’s awesome. Check it out.
orlandoI’m also struggling with my own mind. I have stumbled across a mystery I don’t think I will ever find the answer to. One of the dogs, Duffy, will wait at the top of the stairs in the morning and start licking my feet when I try to walk down them and as much as I love her it does my fucking head in. It’s dangerous. But earlier on, as I was eating what use to be a pig, some BBQ sauce dripped onto my foot. I tried to get the dog to lick it off, due to my acute laziness, but she just wouldn’t. She refuses to lick my foot when it tastes like what use to be a pig but not when it tastes like human boy. Odd, eh?
No! It’s not so odd. Everyone is entitled to their own taste and what-not. I’ll tell you what is odd, though. what is odd is the summaries page of search terms on this blog. I wrote a piece before about you crazy bastards searching my blog, but I thought I’d give you an update. I’ve decided I’m going to give you an update on things you’ve searched my blog for every 30 days.
This month is pretty sexual organs orientated, but I have to find one of you first. Who’s been searching my blog for “Miles Lloyd Blog”? It’s odd because it’s happened three times, but I don’t know if this is three people being a bit dim or one person going full-blown retard. You are already on my blog, you buffoon/s. One person is a bit dimmer than the people who search for “Miles Lloyd Blog” next to a title that says, pretty much, Miles Lloyds Blog and that is the person who searched next to what pretty much says “Miles Lloyds Blog” for “myles loydl Blog”. How you managed to spell my name wrong three inches from my name is beyond me. You also went on to search for “myles loydl regina” and going by what is probably 50% of all the other things searched I’m going to go ahead and assume you also spelt ‘vagina’ wrong. You, sir/madam, are a winner in my book (blog).
But that brings me nicely on to the rude bit. Out of 29 search terms, 13 of those have been variations on the word ‘vagina’. I’ll give you some examples:
- Vagina on its period
- Sexy vagina blood
- Puns for vagina
- Vagina puns
- Blood on vagina
But this isn’t where the filth ends. I’ll give you a few more of the sexy things you’ve searched for:
- Balls lips
- Girl menstruating
- Tell me why Koreans have nice legs fuckingholl [sic]
- Heaps of sperm
- Tight trouser sex
- Lesbian height difference
Now, the thing about all this is I thought this meant that weird people read my blog, but then it hit me. All these search terms relate to things I’ve actually posted. Does this make me the weird one? I’m afraid it might. Your filthy searches are only looking for filthy things I’ve written, even if they are very vague recollections of what the blog post might be about, they’re still not far off. In my defence (or yours, I’m not sure who I’m most ashamed of anymore) there have been searches like:
- Orlando Bloom sick
- Fucking babies I hate stupid babies stupid
- Cartoon crocodile family
- Samsung telly
- I hate this fucking baby
- Giant child. Fuck
So they’re not all bad.
I’m going to go look myself in the mirror and re-think what I’m doing with my life anyway. Just in case.