*Just a quick note, I can’t be arsed to proof-read this so if you could point out any mistakes as a comment that would be grand.*
I have just added a new person to my list of people I hate. So far my list is, in no particular order;
- Todd Bentley – ‘Faith healer’ and baby killer
- David Cameron – The “Fuck yeah! Fracking!” guy
- Nikki Minaj – Ethnic chameleon and balls-out slut
- Mr. Mason – My primary school (Stebonheath) headmaster. He shook me once because I was being bullied
- Whoever is in charge of MTV
- Anakin Skywalker – He killed all those younglins
- Barak Obama – For everything he’s done
- Piers Morgan (pronounced “ball-bag”) – “Journalist”
- Jeremy Clarkson – The car guy who doesn’t even believe his own bullshit
- Miles Lloyd – The one you know and love so well
- Justine Beiber – Lesbian singer
- The Big Green Giant – Because sweetcorn isn’t green
But now I have a new addition. It’s a thing I hadn’t heard about before and it’s know as a Liz Jones. She works for that bucket of scum what is The Daily Mail and I read what was quite possibly the most horrific bit of journalism I’ve ever come across. Apart from that time the aforementioned Piers Morgan hacked into a dead 13 year-old girls voicemail for financial gain. That was beyond. But let’s go back to Liz before I start punching my own face with hate.
She had an article on the Mail website from the 5 April 2009 but I only came across it today. It’s titled I hate these crusties, with their droppy dyed skirts and boiled wool cardigan. First of all not only is that a pretty shit title but most of the words are suppose to start with a capital letter. Because there are rule and she gets paid to write so she should make the fucking effort. I have never been paid to write anything yet I still make the effort. Anyway, let me give you the link to said article:
Don’t feel to pressured into reading it. I’m going to give you the gist throughout this post.
A quick summery of it is: She doesn’t like hippies.
“But Miles! What on earth is wrong with not liking hippies? You always bang on those smelly, work-shy, meat-dodging sacks of shit!”
This may be true, you beautiful bastard. I do bang on about it from time-to-time but it’s usually tounge in cheek. I have hippie friends, I’ve had a hippie girlfriend, and I will continue to mingle with hippies for as long as I smoke weed, but this Liz thing took it too far. This is her first paragraph of hateful rage:
“I hate crusties. For anyone unfamiliar with the term, these are people who wear stripy woollen hats even when it’s boiling. The men have beards; some of the women do, too. The men wear multi-coloured threads around their wrists. The women never wear make-up; instead, they wear droopy home-dyed skirts and cardies made of boiled wool. They each have millions of children who run around unfettered.”
That’s just the fucking start of it! Straight off the bat she’s fucked up. Let’s look a little closer, shall we?
“I hate crusties. For anyone unfamiliar with the term, these are people who wear stripy woollen hats even when it’s boiling.”
Interesting. She’s explaining a word she doesn’t understand herself to other people who don’t understand it. A ‘crusty’ is the name given to a ketamine addict because of the crusts of ketamine left around their nose. They are disgusting people. Some of them even cough up the drop from the ketamine so they can cook it up… and snort it again! Fucking disgusting. But she is thinking of hippies. Every time I quote her using the word ‘crusty’ just change it to ‘hippy’ in your minds eye.
“The men have beards…”
Yes, Liz. This is because they’re men. Men grow hair on their face. Science calls this “being a man” and it’s not uncommon. But she continues,
“ some of the women do, too.”
Do they, Liz? I’ve been to a hell of a lot of festivals and spend a hell of a lot of time around hippies, be it at a festival or a squat party in East London and I’ve never seen a lady-hippy with a beard. I’ve seen hairy legs and hairy armpits but never a beard. I think she is lying a bit to make her feel better for her own awful existence.
“The women never wear make-up; instead, they wear droopy home-dyed skirts and cardies made of boiled wool.”
There is nothing wrong with women not wearing make-up. What’s wrong with having confidence in the way you look naturally? I personally think it’s mental that women do wear make-up. Then she implies that they wear “droopy home-dyed skirts” as a replacement for make-up. As in they think to themselves “Hmmm… I don’t think I’ll slap paint on my face today. I’ll wear a droopy skirt instead. That’s a fine compromise!” No! No, Liz. This isn’t how it works you ignorant cow. And as for boiled wool cardigans? What’s wrong with that? Boiled wool is a perfectly normal thing perfectly normal people wear all the fucking time. Google “boiled wool cardigan” and click on images. You get loads of rather smart jackets (the kind that make me wish I was a girl so I could wear such things) and there isn’t a hippy in sight! They’re also quite expensive.
That was just the first paragraph. It gets pretty full-on. I have one friend who said he could only read 75% of it. I read the whole 967 words and couldn’t stop dry-heaving for about 40 minutes. I’ll just give you a list of some of the other things she hates about hippies:
“They do a lot of sitting down in unsuitable places, smoking.” – Can you believe that? these dirty fucking crusties actually have the cheek to sit down to smoke. Pigs.
“When they go on holiday, usually to countries in the developing world because they are so cheap, they never spend any money. I’ve watched hippies in India actually bartering with a naked child who earns 20p a day.” – First of all I’m pretty sure that last bit is a lie. A hate-mongering lie you’d expect from The Daily Mail, but a lie none-the-less. Also, what’s wrong with going on holiday somewhere that’s not only cheap, but interesting, cultural and not full of British people getting pissed in all of the same places they could be getting pissed at home but with the added bonus of making the rest of the world hate the nation?
“They go to these countries to ‘find themselves’, when it would be more useful if they just learned to tip heavily for a change” – This is exactly what Steve Jobs did. Then the iPhone, iPad, iPod and all the other ‘i’ stuff happened so that makes your argument invalid. Plus the amount you tip someone has nothing to do with going to Bangladesh for a month so I don’t really get her point here.
She then goes on to say about the time she went to Glastonbury:
“I received lots of odd looks from the crusties as they regarded the square of black bin bag I took everywhere just to stand on, clutching my Prada handbag.” – I think the problem here is that you went to Glastonbury and you were standing on a bin-bag everywhere and took a Prada handbag, Liz. Not the fact they were giving you an odd look. The odd look is the most normal thing about that scenario. It’s a field bigger than the town I’m from, with more people in it than the town I’m from and all they want to do is get pissed. Also, don’t try and brag about having a Prada handbag. It’s pathetic.
“There were an awful lot of crusties on the streets of London last week, protesting against capitalism and global warming…I wish the police had used water cannon on them, probably the first wash they’d have had in years.” – So being concerned about arsehole-prick-cunts who are using all of the world money to get more money for themselves and being concerned about the fact that the planet we live on is going to shit make you a bad person, eh? And wanting to water-cannon people with real concerns is a fine solution? I want to find out where you live, wait outside your house, then trip you up as you leave for work in the morning.
“Are these people, these alternative nutcases, really better than the rest of us? How many of them volunteer, or give money to charity, or employ others?” – It’s not a case of better/worse. And the answer to the second question is lots. Actually it’s not even lots. Most. Most of them volunteer, give money to charity or employ others.
“Can they point to a successful society in history that was not based on capitalism?” – This is a good point. We all know capitalism has been around since the dawn of man. Heck, even the dinosaurs had capitalism! It’s not like it’s a recent thing. Oh wait… It totally is. My bad.
But do you want to know the number one reason I can;t stand this bitch-whore of a woman? Because she’s made me defend the hippies.
That’s about all I’m going to bang on because 1512 words is a bit much for slagging off a person who is only worth three. Those three words, by the way, are “fuck”, “cunt”, “ignorant”, “off” and “you”.
So there we are then. That’s that. I still intend on doing the post about our water being stolen from us by big oil, but I need to proper look into it and get all the facts because it is a bit of a hard to believe concept.
Fuck. I just realised I have to proof-read this now. This is why I use to have a strict “300-400 words only” rule.