I was going to write a blog about water getting stolen off of us by oil companies the other day, but that went to shit when I had to go to hospital. I was punched, or possibly fell, and now my shoulder hurts. Apparently I’ve “bruised the bone” according to the doctor, but I don’t believe him one bit. Call me racist but I just cannot trust a white doctor, let alone an English doctor. Is that racist? Probably not. I’d trust an English doctor of Asian decent (any kind of Asian), but not a straight-up English doctor. Unless they’re a hot English woman. Then they can have some of my trust. Hot women have never let me down.
JOKEZ! Hot woman are probably in my top three list of people who let me down. I’m probably first in that list. And second would also be me. I’m useless. Now I think about it, hot women can’t be that high up in the list as I haven’t had much involvement with them. I meet a lot of them, but I don’t flirt with them or anything because it would only be a waste of both of our time. Sometimes I’m polite to people, well I’m often polite to people so long as I don;t know them, and this often gets mistaken for flirting. I think it’s why so many gay guys think I’m gay. I’m polite and this gets mistaken for flirting. Or maybe they just hit on me regardless because of all my swag and my perfect hips and tight abs. Or maybe that’s a lie? Maybe all of this is a lie. I could be making everything up. You don’t even know I’m eating a packet of prawn cocktail crisps right now and pausing every couple of lines to check Facebook and scratch my balls. For all you know I’m not even the human boy I claim to be.
Think about it.
When have you ever seen me in real life? You quite possibly haven’t. I could be a fucking dog for all you know. I could be the most intellectually advance dog ever but I have to mascaraed as a human boy because if the government found out I was actually a well clever dog they would kidnap me and run tests on me and find a way to use me for war and I can’t go to war. My bones are too brittle. I’ve already got a bruised collarbone and It’s starting to hurt quite a lot now from just typing. Do dogs have collarbones? Maybe I’m not a dog. Maybe I’m a badger. In space. Think about that.
Are your minds being blown right now? Because I’m blowing mine. My mind, that is. Not my Johnston. I couldn’t reach. Not that I’ve tried but I assume I couldn’t. Though I can get my legs behind my head. Well, one of them. Wait!
No. I can’t reach my Johnston with my mouth and it really hurt to try. I think I’ll leave my next attempt until I’m healed.
514 words. Not bad for a badger in space. I’m going to watch The Shining now. Maybe have a poop. Who knows? The world is my oyster. Well, not the world. I can’t go too far. I’m pretty skint and stuff. Llanelli. Llanelli is my oyster.
Or maybe just my house. I can’t really be arsed to go anywhere. My house. My house is my oyster.