Women? Protesting? or; How to Put All Your Efforts into Not Making a Difference.

Call me naive but I’m pretty sure six women climbing a building is probably not going to make Shell, one of the most powerful companies in the world, change their ways.

For those of you who aren’t aware of what’s going on, Greenpeace have six women climbing the Shard in London in protest to Arctic drilling. That’s right, Greenpeace have a sure-fire idea on how to get what they want from big oil. Big oil being the people who are in control of most (all) of the worlds oil. The people who can get almost any of the worlds government to do whatever they fuck they want because they control the oil. Now, for those of you living in the dark ages, or North Wales, most of everything you see and use is made with oil. From the keyboard you’re typing on to the tracksuit trousers you’re wearing, to the car you drive, to the asphalt on the paths you walk, to the aspirin you take after too many gins the night before, to the crayons your child uses, to the gum you chew, to the Vaseline you rub on your bum before the dirtiest kind of sex, oil is pretty much everywhere. Oil is also running out. Like, a dangerous amount running out. We’re pretty much living on borrowed time. So-much-so that the oil companies can get whatever they want from whoever they want because they can use oil as leverage. All the middle east invasions and that were all because of oil. The oil companies wanted more oil, so they sent the countries they control in to get it.

But not to worry! Greenpeace have sent six girls to climb a building, a massive building to be fair, and that will get Shell Oil in the palms of their hands. Why? Well, let me quote one of the ladies, Victoria Henry (32, from Hackney), as she puts it better than  anyone else ever could;

“If we reach the top we’ll be able to see all three of Shell’s London offices below us, meaning they’ll be able to see us. Maybe then they’ll stop ignoring the movement ranged against them.”

That’s right. If Shell can see some fucking hippies from their offices they will stop everything. They will realise the evils they’re doing to our planet and pull the plug on everything, apologise and offer so much compensation money to everyone directly and indirectly involved and from tomorrow on we will be living in a fairy-tale world with fizzy pop for rivers, unicorns for taxis, jellybean rain drops and no child will ever cry again.

Or alternatively, they will make no difference at all (maybe apart from an empty worded speech from Shells PR people), Shell will continue to drill the Arctic because fuck everyone, then continue into their plans to use up all of the earths natural resources, then privatise all the worlds drinking water (look it up) then control the masses, have themselves a controlled kill-off of the human race (look it up) and then live a life of utter misery when they discover that sucking stuff out of the earth and then burning it into the atmosphere has sever effects on the eco-system, which will then have a sever effect on the environments they live and then they die too. They might have the planet to themselves and under their control, but their children will be too hot all the time and coughing constantly, crying the words “Mummy, why did daddy do this to the earth? Why did daddy want us to be ill and die, why did…”


The kid got cut off mid-sentence by the sound of daddy shooting his own brains out from guilt. Daddy did an Enron and shot himself in the garage, sat in his Jaguar. Now his sick son will have to live out the short remainder of his disease and dis-comfort riddled life without a father. Or a mother. Because she just overdosed on sleeping pills and red-wine and it’s all thanks to those women climbing a building for Greenpeace.

So well done, Greenpeace. You’ve killed that sick kids parents. I hope you’re happy.

(All jokes aside I do support these ladies and what Shell, and all the other oil companies, are doing is awful and there are plenty of other energy sources that are clean and renewable that we could be using but the world, as I said, is controlled by oil so anything you can do that could even make the smallest impact should be done. Or we will all be dead. Also look after the bees. the bees are nearly all gone and when they go we’re fucked. If you happen to kill a bee whilst driving a car you’re pretty much the worst person ever. Have a lovely day.)


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