I keep forgetting my voice is on Samsung TV’s. That’s pretty cool, init? Well, it needs to be a pretty new TV and you have to put it on the ‘hard of vision’ option or some shit and then you have to select the option of ‘welsh accent’ so maybe only, like, five people might ever do that and hear me but that’s pretty cool. My voice might end up in more houses than Morrisseys voice has, even if mine is going unheard. Which would be odd because I’m not there to sing depressing poetry. I’m there trying to bring good news to the people of Earth. Good news like “BBC 2” or “high definition”. I pretty much said everything that comes up on a TV. Eleven pages (both sides) of things like “volume”, “record” or my personal favourite; “down”.
So yeah. I think that’s my bestest achievement to date. It’s not really. I did a show with Micheal Winslow once. And Tom Green. Or the Jason Rouse tour. That was awesome. I fell asleep on a stripper on that trip. The poor woman. I think the Samsung TV things only stands out because I was just reading a thing about Samsung TV’s before I started writing this post. If I had been reading a thing about driving 4×4’s around Hackney Wick without a licence then I’d probably be banging on about how that my bestest achievement to date was driving a 4×4 around Hackney Wick without a licence. My mind is a very fickle place. Or there’s that time I played a G# on the guitar without looking at what I was doing. I’ve got lots of bestest achievements as it goes, eh? You should all be pretty envious of me right now, with my G#’s and my illegal driving and my pubes. That’s right. I have pubes too. Loads of them. If you want some they come free with my swag. I’m selling swag, by the way. I have too much of it. I literally have swag coming out of my eyes and I can’t handle it.
Who just giggled when they read the word “coming”? If you did then congratulations! You’re my demographic. If you didn’t then it’s probably best if you just leave.
Well I guess that’s it. That’s my thoughts of the day for you. Now it’s time for m to take three or four words to form a title or come up with two separate titles and slap ’em together, as is tradition. But before I do go I’d like to leave you with this:
Gin. Or sperm. My two favourite verbs.