Regret & Wet Farts.


Last night I did something I regret. Again. Today I am too scared to go poop because of what I did. It is that bad.

There’s a really nice burger bar place on Hoxton Square called The Red Dog Saloon. You should go there sometime. They do these huge burgers as part of an eating challenge thing and it’s pretty intense, even if my skinny mate did finish the hardest one so fast they had to come up with a whole new challenge. But eating a load of beef isn’t a real challenge. Everyone loves beef. Everyone. And if someone says they don’t like beef it’s only because they are so committed to bacon and for this they can be forgiven. Also I don;t believe in vegetarianism and I certainly don’t believe in veganism. They are just stories made up to scare children.

Anyway, we went there last night to have some foods and what did I see on the menu? A hot-wing challenge. Chicken. Spicy chicken. I love spicy chicken. I can eat six wings in ten minutes, surely. That’s childs play. Unfortunately for me, we did not have the chance to Google the chilies in question, so I wasn’t quite sure to expect. Until they brought out a plate with surgical gloves on it and insisted I drink milk. And when the waiter warned me not to do it three times. Then the weight of what I was about to face set in.

The spicy chili in question is called the Naga Viper Pepper. It’s the hottest thing EVER you can eat, apparently. It scores a rating of 1,382,118 on something called the ‘Scoville Heat Units’. A standard jalapeno is only 2,500 on the same scale, just to put that into perspective for you.

Anyway, the guy said that the record was 36 seconds. Some guy had eaten six wings in 36 seconds. The top ten were all between 38 – 58 seconds. This made me think it wouldn’t be so bad.

I ate the first one and as soon as it touched my lips I began to hiccup uncontrollably. None-the-less, I continued on. I ate about two-and-a-half in about 30 seconds, then suddenly, like a lion attacking its prey, I began to heave and cry. I cannot express with words what the feeling was like, but I will try.

It felt like a gateway to hell had opened up and that gateway was somewhere between my heart and my arse.

There we go! That was easier than I thought. It was truly awful experience  It took my ages to come round from it and when I did I dropped an onion ring in my pint and my last cigarette into the remaining chicken wings. Everything went wrong.

then it took me ages to get home. I was going to skate back but every 30 yards I had to stop, sit down, and try not to burp or fart because I had a feeling it would be a wet burp (sick) or a wet fart (shit).

Anyway, I wont bang on. Here’s the video if you wish to see me burn from the inside out.

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