Kanye, Kim & The Poor Little Lesbian


I spoke too soon yesterday. I just found out than Justine Beiber wrote the words “I like to think she would have been a Belieber” in the guestbook of the Anne Frank museum.

Is she actually that deluded? Is it even possible for an 18 year old gay woman who calls herself a “talented” singer/songwriter who’s music only appeals to people who have no idea what music, or talent, is to be called sane? One of her fans once tweeted how Justine Beiber was more talented than Kurt Cobain because she has more followers. That’s brilliantly ignorant.

I guess it is a bit unfair for me to bang on about her all the time. There’s other equally as horrific people out there with worse souls than that poor lesbo. Nikki Minaj being a prime example. Or Kanye West. Kanye once said he didn’t like book because the’re “too wordy”. The actual quote is;

“Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed. I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff like actually talking to people and living real life,”

A proud reader of non-books. Fucking non-books? I don’t even know where to begin working out what that could possibly be. But the best bit is blatantly how he would never ask a book for it’s autograph.

But it’s all good. He gets his information from talking to people. He has some well-educated friends, too. Let’s take his wife for example. Kim.

“I hate when women wear the wrong foundation colour, it might be the worst thing on the planet when they wear their make up too light.”

Light foundation is worse than war, rape, child neglect and animal abuse. Nice.  What else does with fountain of wit and insight have to say?

“Eww! I’m at lunch, the woman at the table next to me is breastfeeding her baby with no cover-up.”

How dare that selfish bitch let nature work in public! She should have called the cops on that whore-slut.

“I don’t like big balls on a dog.”

Probably because there’s so many calories in sperm. But the stupidest thing she has ever said?

“We had done filming our season at that point, so we decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that Kris and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life, like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She’s 18. And I was like, that’s how I feel.”

There we go. In case you were wondering, getting a divorce from a marriage you only had for a shitty reality TV show, a marriage that lasted less than eighty days, is exactly like dying from cancer at just 18 years old.

So there it is. An insight into the mind of A-list celebrity, D-list porn star, B-list money hungry cum-bucket Kim Kardashian. Have just a few more of the stupid things these celebrities your children admire have said (I’ve fixed the grammar for them):

No, no. I didn’t go to England. I went to London.” – Paris Hilton

I can’t believe my grandmother’s making me take out the trash. I’m rich. fuck this. I don’t need this shit.” – 50 Cent

I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger

Cod are not very good swimmers so they are easily overtaken by trawlers and nets.” – This was in a report made by the British Government on where the cod are going. Not a celebrity, but worth having in.

Whenever I watch TV and I see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I would love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” – Mariah Carey

Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion.” – Fucking Madonna

Bank rolls gimmie all them pretty furs cause my p–y game cold when he hit it he say ‘burr’, he say ‘burr’ ‘bur bur bur burr, imma imma marry her’ and he play with that purr like he strummin’ his guitar” – Nikki Minaj (This is is actually a song lyrics, too. This is the best she could come up with when she puts in time and dedication. It also means there are probably little children running round school playgrounds saying this. I also didn’t fix the grammar for the full effect.)

Everybody. Everybody’s my favorite. I don’t have any favorites.” – Lil Wayne

I’m going to leave you with two of my favourite quotes on this subject because reading those has probably made you a bit stupider and/or given you a massive brain tumour and I want to resolve that.

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former” – Albert Einstien

And finally

“Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience” – Mark Twain

And with that I am going to go and live in the woods.

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4 responses to “Kanye, Kim & The Poor Little Lesbian

  1. “non-books” – that’s priceless. GREAT BLOG! So so funny.

  2. Miles darling you are insulting us lesbians by referring to Miss Beiber as one off us.. She isn’t that cool.

    • Unfortunately she is, despite not being cool enough, and there’s nothing we can do about that. Unless I go and get sexy for her? I could maybe turn her straight for you? I wouldn’t enjoy it, but it could be done. As a favour to the lesbian community, of course.

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