Attempted Rape, Get In The Van & Shitty House


I heard the greatest thing ever on Friday night. I was at a party in a rugby club and I had gone outside to smoke a fag. There was a group of three girls just out by the door, also smoking, and just chatting away amongst themselves and what-not when who should appear from the door of the bar but a pair of gypsies. Proper gypsies. the rough Irish kind, not the lovable roman kind. The kind of gypsies that are in the paper now and again because they steal homeless men and force them to work as slaves. The type of gypsies you avoid at all costs. I think you get the picture.

Anyway, they started chatting shit to these three girls then when it was time to leave they began to walk away and one of the gypsies, who had the greasiest, curliest mullet I ever did saw, like Kenny Powers’ mullet, turned to the girls and casual as anything said the line “Does one of you girls want to get in my van?”. I couldn’t fucking believe my luck. That’s pretty much the closest you can get to telling a girl you plan on raping them without having to use the rape word. Needless to say it made my night.

Then I went to this club called Bar Luna. Holy fuck is that place shit. I think they have a strict under 18’s policy or something because it was full of children smoking fags. And the DJ was god awful. I don’t know why I’m using the past tense. Where ever he is when you are reading this he is almost definitely still a shit DJ and he will be forever. I’ve only ever DJ’d a few times myself and I can say with the utmost confidence I am better than him and he does it for a “living”. I use the quotation marks because playing shit music to fat children isn’t really living. Especially when you turn the shit music down every thirty seconds to give people your shitter opinion on “feeling the beat”.

I often wonder what sort of people must own these clubs. Do they have no idea what having a laugh is? And is it OK to hate people for going there? Because I hate them all. Every last one of them. Except for the three people I went with and one person I bumped into from school. But the rest need to find something new to do with their lives then kill themselves because they suck.

They could at least suck a dick. At least then they’d be being productive.

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One response to “Attempted Rape, Get In The Van & Shitty House

  1. Miles old boy you just described a typical Llanelli Tuesday afternoon. I’m pretty sure when that gypsy said “van” he meant his aids infested horse. Llanelli Gypsys don’t own vans, they steal them off builders & then sell them back to the aforementioned builders for £20 & a handjob.

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