Happy Birthday, Jesus!


On this day, two-thousand and thirteen years ago, a man was born in a cave. That man was Jesus Christ. Why he was named after a mild swear I do not know, I just know that if it wasn’t for him you wouldn’t be born. He is the reason you got that job in Asda, he is the reason your mam isn’t dead and he is the reason your ex got meningitis. You owe him your life and he doesn’t even give a shit. He’s just cool like that. Like Morrissey but in a gown and flip-flops. And with a beard. and longer hair. Also less gay. I’m pretty sure Jesus wasn’t gay.

Imagine if he was though! That would be brilliant. His believers have a hard enough time coming to terms with the fact he was banging a whore by the name of Mary Magdalene so imagine the size of the shit they’d have if they found out his favourite thing was sucking dick and gargling on sperm while a biker dressed as a policeman fisted his arse until he bled from it. They’d be livid.

Maybe he even rented his bum-hole out for cash. Who knows? He probably did if he was gay. I’m not saying all gays are prostitutes, but Jesus was probably pretty resourceful and he loved the cock so I imagine he put two and two together and got on the game. I’m going to start spreading this rumour. We all should. Let’s try to convince the world that Jesus was a raging queer who let people stick it up his arse for ten pounds a pop. I’ve just told one person and I’m pretty sure they believe me, so that’s a good start.

Go shout it in the streets. Tell your friends to tell their friends. Jesus sucks dick for change to support his crack addiction.

I assume he had a crack addiction anyway. That’s what happens when you’re a prostitute.

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