How to Survive the Apocalypse and Die or; Mild Cheeses


I just put some mild cheddar in my toastie and when I was eating it all I could think was, “What’s the point? What is the point of having a mild cheddar?” It’s just texture, init? That’s all it adds is texture. You can’t taste cheese. No matter how much you put in all it will add to you’re toastie is rubbery goo. I don’t mind mild cheese when it’s like a brie or something but mild cheddar just pisses me off.

Yet I continue to eat it.

Now! The apocalypse. We’re all thinking about it. Not always, just at this moment. Mostly because I started with the word apocalypse but that’s  because that’s what I am going to talk to you about.

Now, I personally think we will see some sort of apocalyptic event withing my lifetime. Unfortunately for you is that I don’t plan on being alive much longer. It’s not so much that I don’t plan on it. It’s that I’m just not banking on it. I will survive the apocalypse  only to die in some menial way such as choking on a grape I had stashed in my pocket almost immediately after the apocalypse. I’ve thought about what might eventually kill me and something like that situation would seem apt for my life. But you people aren’t like me. You people have potential and dreams and a sparkle of hope in your eye so I am going to tell you how you can also survive the apocalypse too.

Right! The start. I reckon (bear in mind the following is entirely based on my reckonings) that the first thing to go could be one of two things. Either the United States of America or Europe’s money. Now had you asked me this a week ago I would have told the the USA, without a shadow of a doubt, but Cyprus have just been given the boot by the banks, so it might be that. But probably the USA, let’s be honest. Their polictical regime will remain as it is now, the only difference shall be that they will openly dance under the flag of dictatorship instead of hiding away behind a tiny banner that has ‘democracy?’ scrawled across in faint sharpie marker. There’ll be civil war and all that and it is going to be nasty as shit. So don’t be living in America. Move out. But where to?

Not the middle east. That speaks for itself. And definitely not Asia. I don’t know what the Chinese have planned but you just don’t want to take risks or live anywhere within arms-length of North Korea. Europe? Hmmm… Maybe, but the wont have any money soon, will they? Switzerland might be a good option. Who knows? But not Australia. Australia is too warm. and too close to China.

Anyway, soon after, a combination of the Middle East crisis and the USA falling to pieces and North Korea and China being… Not bat-shit crazy just, unpredictable, World War 3 will pretty much get going. As soon as it does, I’m going to Mid Wales somewhere. I think it might to be a safe enough place to wait out a nuclear war. I don’t think anyone would directly bomb Wales as a target, so you could just wait until most of the countries have fucked each other until it ends then try and rebuild a life completely different to what you are use to. It will literally be like doing back to the Dark Ages, so have a pocket full of grapes or something to keep you going for a bit (this is when I die). Now what do you do? You walk. You walk and you walk, or cycle, until you find somewhere you can set up a home of some sort and start grow fruit and veg to eat, maybe keep some animals like chickens or something. Start a farm and start to build the world over. But then you realise something. You realise that you don’t know how to grow plants. Plus you don’t know where to find the animals. Plus it’s a nuclear winter so nothing will grow and all the animals are probably dead already. So what do you do now? You die.

You were stupid for thinking you could rebuild the world. You should have come with me and my grape.

Fools.

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One response to “How to Survive the Apocalypse and Die or; Mild Cheeses

  1. Good. I hate walking anyway.

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