There are two things wrong with this day. First of all, there’s an ice-cream truck going round. I know the spring equinox was yesterday and all that, but it’s still pissing it down and freezing cold, not to mention windy as shit. Why would anyone possibly want to run outside to get an ice-cream? By the time you got it into your house the wind or rain would have seen it off. Poof! Ice-cream gone. Just like that. So obviously what’s happening is they’re selling drugs and I’ve just missed out on buying drugs. This is Pen-y-Fan, too, so you know they get the good stuff. Like dirty heroin and bad acid.
There was a second one, but I started this ages so I’ve forgotten what it was. I’ve had a nap and everything. What was I wanting to moan about? It could be anything. It wasn’t MTV or PETA today though. That I’m sure of. The weather? No, I don’t tend to moan about the weather. Unless it’s too hot. I hate it when it’s to hot. I have a lot of hair, too, so I’d imagine I get hotter than the average person. It’s horrible. Sometimes I’m on the tube in the summer and I’ll be dripping with sweat and I’d look round and everyone else seems to be fine! I’m so wet I’m reflecting light like a mirror-ball and everyone else seems fine. It’s not on.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but sometimes I actually emit light. It’s pretty cool. I’ve been able to do it since I was about four. If I shut my mouth and then hold my nose closed with my thumbs and block my ears with my index fingers, then try to blow out all facial orifices my breasts begin to glow a blueish hue.
Doctors have written books about me.