Psych! I’m not going to die today. At least I don’t plan to. I also hope not to, too. I might get pushed over by a shoplifter fleeing a TK Maxx and hit my head on the floor and die from internal bleeding or get eaten by a crocodile that has strayed over from Bristol Zoo and things like that, but no, unfortunately for you I will probably not be dying today. I just wanted a title that would grab your attention. Granted, it’s a bit extreme. I have family on Facebook that might panic when they read it. My mam for one. But writing stuff for you to read is a cold, blood-thirsty game and you must do what it takes. Some of you might not even know you want to read this so I must take these extreme measures.
I watched The Hunger Games last night. Never before has a film put me off wanting to read the book it was based on, but fuck that. I spent the entire time wishing I had put Battle Royale on instead. If you want to see children forced into murdering each other for sport, watch that. But back to The Hunger Games.
Nothing happened for the first hour. Nothing at all. Just some shitty back story. What happened to when films use to kick straight in with what was going on. Let’s take Ghostbusters, for example. There’s some woman in the library, she sees a ghost, the ghost goes nuts, I shit my pants, the librarian goes running wild like a stolen child, Madaline McCann for example (Although she is probably dead, but that’s neither here-nor-there), escaping their captors and fleeing on foot through the woods, screaming as they go, to terrified to look back in case they were being perused, then the screen goes black, Ray Parker Jr. brings in a slamming bass-line and its BAM!It’s fucking Ghostbusters time. That way, films are an hour and a half long, too. No-one has any time to watch a fucking three hour film with shit all going on for the first hour and a half. Every film was like that in the 80’s. That shit just doesn’t fly anymore. Although, it does answer the question of “Why in the name of Christ are cinemas so expensive now?” It’s because you’re not paying to watch a film. You’re renting seat you’re sitting in off of the cinema dudes and you’re spending longer in them, thus increasing your rent.
Nothing but a big fucking scam. well fuck you, Hollywood. I’m not buying into your shit.
But really, really, really fuck you George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg for what you did to Indiana Jones. what the fuck was that last film about? Aliens? C’mon! Sort it out. Ok, George, you have the worlds largest collection of alien implants taken out of humans and have a keen interest in crystal skulls, but that doesn’t mean you need to shit on the entire franchise. And fuck you twice, George for, firstly, the Star Wars Christmas special (See below) and for then selling the rights to fucking Disney! I hate you, my readers hate you, your children hate you and your wife only loved your money. She hated that stupid, squished up little wookie face of yours. But thank you for Star Wars at the same time.
Here’s the link to that fucking Star Wars Christmas Special. I didn’t want to taint my blog by adding the video.
I’m in a rage now. I need to lay down.