Come to My Home and Compliment Me. And Bring Bacon.


I have nothing to say. Nothing interesting has happened to me this weekend. I’ve had no insightful or witty ideas. I’ve just been drunk, then bored, tired and miserable in bed. Watching South Park though so it’s not all bad.  but I just thought I’d get that out of the way so if you do choose to continue reading it is at your own risk and you have no right to tell me I’ve bored you.

I love it sometimes after gigs when the people who didn’t think I was very funny like to come and tell me they didn’t think it was very funny. One of my favorite heckles actually was when a guy shouted out ” We are all out trying to have a good night and you’re ruining it. Can you please get off the stage?” It was very polite and well structured for a heckle. Not like that time I was at Up The Creek and some copper on his staff party just kept shouting “Fucking speccy bastard!” That was rude. I think I called him ‘a cunt’ as a witty comeback. I wasn’t very funny that night though. I started really pelting jellybeans at the audience quite violently as an opener so I kinda lost them from the start.

I remember doing the Manchester festival the year before last and on one of the days only three people bought tickets to me gig. I decided to do it regardless because I wanted a tenner off each of them. Anyway, it was a lovely older couple sitting just to the side and then just one guy on his own sat at the front. After about half an hour the older couple started looking at their watches and that, so I asked if they were alright and they explained how they thought it was only a half hour show and they had a table booked at some restaurant. “Not a problem!” I said to them, “You go and enjoy your food!” they asked me for one more joke and left, leaving me alone in this basement on a stage with just one guy watching me. I went on with the show regardless but that turned out to be a mistake. I had to explain every single fucking joke to him. He just didn’t get me. He was just not into my jokes. then I asked him what he did for a living.

He’s a booker for The Comedy Store. Awesome. I really shat on my shoes with that one.

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