Needless to Say I Didn’t Have Sex With Her.

Well that’s the end of February and what a month it’s been! I saw a woman being sick in a shopping center, I found out something about grapefruits, ummmm… I think that’s about it, really. Yup. I just had a look at my Facebook timeline to see if anything else ‘worthwhile’ has happened to my life this last month but it hasn’t. Those two things, the woman being sick and the grapefruit fact, are all I achieved with my life in February. And I don’t actually remember what the fact I learnt was. Maybe something about its juice?

Now I’m thinking about it I achieved nothing in January, either. I had such high hopes of making lots of funny videos and recording songs and that this year to compensate for not gigging and I’ve done fuck all. I mean, I have lots of things written that I want to film or record but can’t do it because that shit costs money and this wigga don’t have no cash. Oh well. Soon I will be sucked into a ‘normal’ job  and my hopes and dreams will have become a thing of the past.

Wait! I had an argument with those bastards at PETA, didn’t I. I did achieve something this month. Granted it hasn’t actually bettered my life in any way, but I take what I can get these days.

Wait another time! That blog about PETA got me, like, 80 views, so it did better my life! Kinda. Not really. I don’t think having some people read my blog as a one off counts as bettering my life, but, like I said, I take what I can get these days. Apart from dick. I could have gotten loads of dick in Manchester a few weeks ago though. Sometimes I’m pretty disappointed I’m not gay because  unlike straight girls, gay guys actually seem to want to have sex with me. Nuts, isn’t it!

You have to be pretty full-on if you’re hitting on me because I am completely oblivious to these things. I just assume a girl is just trying to be friendly over flirty every time. This one girl actually said the words “I’d have sex with you” to me and do you know what my reply to that was? I said “Really?! Why? there’s loads of much better looking guys here. You’re a mental.” Needless to say I didn’t have sex with her. I have quite a lot of stories that end in the sentence ‘needless to say I didn’t have sex with her.’ I should write a book about my failed sexual exploits. It would have a good title, if nothing else.

Oh! Also, checked my balls today and not a lump in sight. Well the two obvious ones, but no extras. Wicked-cool.


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