The dogs are lesbian. There are two of them. A little tiny Bichon Frise and a massive Labrador or Golden Retriever or some shit. One of those types of dogs. Big and blonde. Anyway, the little Bichon Frise tries to hump the big one but can only really grind against a bit of her back leg, what with the height difference and all. Look at her. Duffy. The little one. The pervert. She’s just sat by my feet licking herself and looking me square in the eye. It’s kind of terrifying. A fluffy little cloud of sexual assault. And she pooed in the conservatory. There’s just a blatant disregard of the rules from her. Watching her try to at a Malteaser is pretty funny though. Or salt & vinegar crisps. If you have a tiny dog feed them salt & vinegar crisps. They freak the fuck out.
I sent my application off to Guinness yesterday for my soon to be world record breaking attempt. Well, not so much ‘breaking’ than ‘setting’. No-one has attempted what I am about to do because it is that extreme. People go weak at the thought of such a feat. Grown men have broken down into pissing, crying wrecks and their wives have left them. That’s how intense this record I’m going to set is. What is the record, you ask? I am going to eat 60 packets of salt & vinegar crisps in 2o minutes. I’m hoping to smash that though and get about 80 packets in. That’s four packets a minute. My mouth is going to be fucking alive with burns. Mother-fucker! I just had Ghostbusters paused for about an hour and accidently pressed something on the remote and it’s gone. Gone! Now I’ll never know how Dan Akroyd and his merry band of spook-hunting misfits got on. Well, I kinda do because I know there’s a sequel.
And I have it on DVD.