How to Suck the Fun Out of Tea-Making; A lesson in Life.


I got up at quarter-past seven this morning today. Quarter-past fucking seven. In the morning. “You must be mad!” You may say to yourselves. How do I know? Because that’s just what I thought. Until now…

You can get so much done! This morning I’ve already devised a plan to steal all of the oil off of America, using a V-reg Nissan Micra with over-inflated tires as a getaway vehicle AND invented gloves that are just the finger  bits AND tweeted PETA about how they are allowed to date cats but I’m not allowed fuck dogs. All before ten! And I had a cup of tea. And had a peanut butter Kit-Kat Chunky. And a fag. What have you done? Nothing, probably. Fucking student bum.

Fucking PETA.

Fucking PETA.

It all just got very fancy! I’m at my mates office and some people have come in for an important meeting. They’re talking about phones at the moment in a dying quest for some ‘getting-to-know-you’ banter.

They just made me make them tea and coffee. It was a truly awful experience. They were whipping me with chains and laughing, “Hahaha!” They would laugh, “Hahaha! Make tea, monkey! Tea!” At one point they had me in the corner, weeping in the fetal position whilst they spat and continued their heckles. I was bleeding quite badly from a gash on the hip and it was one of the only times I’ve been grateful I’ve already had my front teeth knocked out. Then the kettle boiled and they threw the water at me. I screamed in agony and they started shouting “Where’s the tea?! Where’s the tea, monkey?!” I explained that I’d have to boil more water and it would be five minutes and they stole my shoes. I begged and begged for them to return my shoes as all my other pairs are back in Wales. They did give them back, but not before burning off the laces and soiling the innards.

They were very polite when I did finally them tea, though. But then I remembered I forgot the coffee…

SCENE.

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