Hello, world! How do you do? I hope you’re all doing good but if you’re not I bet I can guess why…
It’s because you just don’t seem to be as cool on the internet as you do in the real world, do you?
I know this is the case because this is one of the many problems haunting me. Outside of this house and the internet I am pretty much the coolest dude in the London. I’m always having women come up to me and say stuff like “Will you please marry my daughter?” or I get guys come up to me and say “Good heavens I wish I was gay so I could bang you.”
Now this is all very flattering but I must point out now that even if you were a gay I wouldn’t bum you. I would also need to be gay for this dream of yours to pan out. Unless you’re on about having non-consensual sex with me. If this is the case then there’s nothing I can do really. You’re going to rape me regardless. But this isn’t what I’m here to talk to you about. Oh no! I’m here to CHANGE YOUR LIVES!
“But Miles! You’ve already done so much for us! You don’t need to do that too!” You might say. Well shut up! Shut your god-damn mouths! I want to make you happy and there is nothing you can do about it. I am going to make you internet cool and here’s how.
Photographs. That’s right. Photographs. sounds simple enough, eh? We all have wonderful photographs on our Facebook, Twitter, Tumblrs, etc, but the internet needs a certain type of photo. These guys are tough critics and they wont be impressed by anything short of the greatest thing ever.
“So what are these photos?” you might ask yourself. After much research I have discovered just what you need to get that cool you deserve.
1. People NEED to see your food.
We live in an age where anyone can pretend to be, or do, whatever they choose on the internet. Being anonymous is a brilliant thing but the trust gets lost. It is no longer enough just to tell people you need to eat to survive. They want PROOF that you need, and do, eat to survive. and what better proof than an actual live photo taken of your actual live food before it was a poop? Let’s see those sukka claim you never eat now.
If there is one thing the bitches love it’s a photo of a cat. It doesn’t have to be your cat. You just need to make people think it’s your cat. Then you get the cool points on the internet. this cat COULD look better. The flash was a bit bright and he/she wouldn’t keep its fucking eyes open. You might get friends ask who’s cat it is as they know you don’t have one. this could prove tricky when trying to impress the internet people you’ve never and will never meet. The best thing to then do is something like this:
No-one will ever know it’s not your cat. “But here I am! with the cat!” you will argue. They don’t have any photographic evidence to say that you don’t own a cat, so fuck ’em. Fuck ’em in the A!
3. Something nice with a song lyric.
These are something you might have seen everywhere. You need to take a photo of something nice and deep. I went for a photo of a noose with the banking centre of Britain in the background. Then you need to add a deep, meaningful quote or song lyrics that everyone can relate to. This needs to be in a catchy font. I went with my own handwriting because let’s be honest, it’s awesome. I’m so good at writing. The lyrics I went for are “Oscar Wilde is sucking my dick in his prison cell and I’m hard as hell”. These are my own lyrics from my own song but I think everyone has been there at some point in their lives. I also spelt ‘Wilde’ wrong because I love to troll.
4. Get sexy.
You have a mirror. You have a camera. You look fantastic. The world needs to know. One of the reasons you’re not internet cool is because you’re not internet hot. Get this down and you’ll be popular on-line in no time. It is essential that you take the photo alone and in a mirror, though. You have a thousand Facebook friends but you can never show any proof of having met them in the real-world. The tradition seems to be that you have to upload one with a big flash.
Not you can play the ‘clumsy me’ card and get extra kudos for being ‘kooky’ and ‘cute’. Wait an hour then upload the proper picture. People will be giving you compliments (in the loosest sense of the word) such as “much better!” in no time!
5. Get sexier.
This is pretty self-explanatory. What I had to do, though you probably don’t have the same problem, is Photoshop out my ripped abs and firm pecks. You can’t look too sexy on the internet. You might go to jail.
We all drink booze but some people need to know just how cool you are. Drink your booze then upload a picture of your finished booze. Try and say something about ‘last night’ being ‘crazy’.
Next up we have the old favourite ‘looking emo with something vintage’. this is a cracker. Not only does everyone now know just how sensitive you are but they’re also saying “Check out that cool vintage Space Invader t-shirt! This guy is cool. I wish he was my dad”.
And should all else fail…
8. Duck Face.
So there we go! Just do these eight simple steps and you’ll be internet cool in no time at all!