What’s The Worst Thing You Can Say to a Sex Crime Detective? This Was Mine.


A week-or-so ago my mate got arrested for rape (allegations). “Good start” I bet you’re thinking. Anyway, he got arrested for rape (allegations) and me and another mate had to go and give witness statements to the police. I best get this out of the way now; He didn’t rape her. It’s just that some bitches be crazy and accuse dudes of rape because… well, I don’t know why. Why not, I suppose? Or maybe just because some bitches be crazy.

Here we are.

Anyway, we went to give witness statements which in itself is incorrect because the entire night there was no rape, so we didn’t witness anything so I guess we just went to give them statements. They ask some fucking bat-shit crazy questions, too. For example, they wanted to know what I cooked for dinner the day before the allegations were made? Why? They already waste enough time fucking around with weed smokers and shit. At this point they didn’t know much and for all they knew some poor girl had actually been raped, so why fuck about asking me what I made the day before to eat? I made spaghetti by the way. I have time to say this now, so I don’t mind letting you know. Spaghetti with a tomato-based sauce. There was suppose to be meat in it. I rang Pete and asked him to get some sausages on his way back but he returned empty handed. When asked why he said, and I quote, “They only had chicken sausages and I didn’t want to make such an executive decision on my own”.

Anyway, we had the interview and all that and at the end the copper who was interviewing me said “You’re a comedian. say something funny.”

Now, I don’t know if you know this but that question can really piss a comic off. In any other situation, i.e. had he not been a copper, I would have told him to fuck off. Unfortunatly he was a copper. I tried to get out of it but he was very insistent. Then I had this mental block and all I could think of were jokes I shouldn’t tell a policeman in a police station.

“All I can think of are jokes I shouldn’t tell a policeman in a police station.” I said.

“Don’t worry about it! He said. It’s only a joke.” He replied. This guy obviously didn’t know me.

I had a long (brief) think and into my head popped the one joke I knew I should never tell a sex-crime copper in the sex-crime offices of a police station immediately after giving a witness statement about a sex crime. “I will never have this opportunity again” I thought to myself. The joke goes like this:

A Man walk into a pharmacy and asks for the morning after pill. He explains to the guy at the counter it’s for his daughter and he wanted to know if there would be any major side-effects.

“How old is she?” asks the pharmacist

“Seven” the man replies

Shocked, the pharmacist says “Your seven-year-old daughter is sexually active?!”

“God no!” the man gasps back, “She’s not sexually active! She just… she just kinda lay there.”

That’s the joke. I hope you enjoyed it. the sex-crime copper didn’t.

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