I haven’t seen a fox in fucking ages. I’ve seen deer, sheeps, dogs, cats, hamsters, bats and what appeared to be an eagle (it’s could have been a small two-seater light aircraft. It’s hard to tell.) but I haven’t seen a fox. I’m pretty much one with the animals after that stint in mid-west Wales. I gained their trust. Don’t ask me how, but I gained it. Check this out:
I stumbled across this sheep –
This stupid, smelly, loner sheep. “STUPID SHEEP BASTARD!” “Fucking Stupid, Smelly Sheep!” “No-Friends Sheep!” “Pathetic Sheep Lives in the Field Like A Fucking BUM!” “I Ate Your Baby in a Stew, Perhaps?” “Farmer Fucker!” These are just some of the things I called it but you can call your sheep whatever you like. Anyway, I ordered it to come toward me.
“Come toward me at once!” I bellowed at it and boy-oh-boy, did it come toward me!
Now I had it near me it was time to gain its trust. Being of Australian origin, I knew there was only one thing that I could gain it’s confidence with.
Needless to say it drank up its sweet, sweet nectar of the Down-Under Gods (Not to be mistaken for the Under-Down Gods which don’t exist.) and was pretty much putty in my hands to do with what I want. And there was only one thing I wanted. Cannibalism.
I was wearing a sheep skin coat and I wanted to make this sheep get all freaky, so I started to kinda dance a bit for it and make it think I wanted him. What with how tipsy it now was, it wasn’t too hard to get it all horny and wanting me. Then it did the dirty. It tried to undress me with its mouth and ended up just chewing on what could very easily have been it’s father.
Ha! I had done it. I had gotten the photograph I wanted and now I could blackmail it. How the tables had turned on this stupid, smelly, homeless sheep. It thought it was so clever and tough, standing in that field not but ten minutes ago. Eyeing me up and thinking it’s all better than me because sheeps don’t drive cars and ruin the environment or start wars against black sheeps for being a bit darker or suppress cancer cures. Well tough titties, sheeps! Now you have to do whatever I say or I’ll show this to all your stupid sheep friends.
But things took a dark, dark turn.
The sheep stepped back from me and pointed its stupid sheep head up into the sky and started growling.
“BWWWWRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAWR! BWWWWRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAWR! BWWWWRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAWR! ”
The sky went black in the blink of an eye the stupid, smelly, loner, homeless sheep had multiplied. It had somehow cloned itself and it was terrifying.
I now had a case of demon sheeps on my hand. I didn’t know what to do. I was so sacred. I turned to run away but I slipped on some magic mushrooms and they did the unthinkable. They fucked me. They fucked me deep and hard and I loved ever second of it.
God-damn I love Wales.