*NOTE* I just discovered I mean Alanis Morissette, not Natalie. So just change the name in your mind as you read.
I reckon matches are cooler than lighters. I’ve thought long and hard about it and that is the conclusion that I have reached. Matches are cooler than lighters. Even zippos. Mainly because cowboys use matches and cowboys are cool as fuck. Not as cool as pirates though, mind you. I love pirates. I like how well they rock that ‘just outta bed’ look so damn well. It’s almost effort-less. The only way I can get that look is by not washing or changing clothes or sleeping for a fortnight, and even then I look shit and smell like an old sack of older potatoes. You know that smell potatoes have? It’s not too bad but I imagine than on a scale as grand as the size of the sack I’m thinking of it would be something. Add how old they are into the equation and you get a not-very-nice smell. I’d imagine. I’ve never smelt that many potatoes at once.
LIE! I tell a lie. My nans good friends Hugh (RIP) and his woman Cheryl, use to own a fruit and veg stall in the market back home and every time my she would take me to town we’d spend a while just chilling at the stall and they had LOADS of potatoes! Loads. They had a box THIS BIG! You can’t see how big my hands are gesturing, but they are pretty far apart. Trust me. Anyway, they didn’t smell that bad.
I use to love hanging round that market now I think about it. the stall was just opposite all the butcher/fish stalls which were next to the pet shop. Only now, as I write this, do I realize the irony in selling pet fish and baby birds next to the stalls that sold dead fish and dead birds. What fun!
My favourite case of irony though has to be that Natalie Imbruglia song ‘Ironic’, where she lists a list of horribly ironic things to have happen to you, but, and this is the clincher, none of the examples are actually examples of irony! The stupid cow! they’re just examples of bad luck! So she has written a song about irony and failed to mention anything ironic at all! Ha! I wonder what she’s up to these day.
I googled her name and all that came up was this;
Natalie Imbruglia Home. … UNAVAILABLE. PLEASE CHECK BACK SOON.
So she is doing shit-all. How ironic. It’s not ironic, but she doesn’t know the fucking difference so I’m sticking to it. It’s her rules, I guess.
Also, I told you a little fib then. That wasn’t all that came up. They gave me another ten-and-a-half-million-minus-one results, but I’m not going to list them all here. You can check out my “Slaggin’ off Natalie Imbruglia, with Miles Lloyd” blog for that. This blog is purely for ‘comedy’ and ‘entertainment’ purposes. It’s not. Truth be told, that’s not why I blog at all. I blog so I can one day get enough daily views to sell advertising and make some money. It just turns out that nobody will read the blog in the first place if it isn’t ‘comedy’ or ‘entertaining’. You fussy fucks.
Do you know how hard it is to write a funny blog? Well, it’s not actually that hard. You just have to write a lot of them and delete the shit ones. I probably only get four funny blogs for every one I throw out. And those numbers just aren’t sustainable! But activities with very in-sustainable numbers and stats make people load of money. Like war. all the numbers and stats attributed to war are highly unsustainable and the war-mongers are fucking MINTED! Loadsa money is what they have. Maybe I should go to war? I should start a war with someone. Maybe that will be what eventually makes me rich? Does anyone have any suggestions for a country to invade? Somewhere small and weak. Actually, somewhere smaller and weaker than me. I think all that leaves is a little bit of France. somewhere near the bottom. where there’s less gun crime.
Toulouse! I’ll invade Toulouse. Maybe then I’ll start making money.
By the way, if you like this blog could you share it with your friends? Share it, you bastards! Share it! Share it or I’ll ask you again!