Let Me Help You Help Yourself With Me, Miles Lloyd


A self-help book, by me, Miles Lloyd.

Words. What are words, anyway? They are just bits of letters really. Bits of letters all joined up to make a word. But some words aren’t words. Like nine. Nine is not a word. Nine is a number. Like 4 or 8. Or 48? No! 48 is not a number. 48 is not a word. 48 is a very naughty boy. 48 stole milk off of a woman and accidentally knocked a child of his bike whilst fleeing on foot. He should have fled by car. Not only is 48 naughty, but 48 is an idiot, too. Whenever you commit a crime, you must always get away in a car. It’s quicker and if you do happen to hit anyone, they were potential witnesses anyway, so you are better of for having killed them.

Skip forward a couple of years and we see 48 cold, shivering and lonely in his prison cell. Beaten and bruised from his “Birthday Bumps” the day before. And from when that massive black dude fucked him. But that was consensual. How did he end up like this? How did his life get this way?

He was doing so well when he was at school. He could have been anything. He wanted to work at Nandos but he could have been anything he put his mind too, his mam says. But no. He has spent the last fifteen years in this cell. All for a shot at being cool.

He was just trying to fit in with the guys at his new college, he’ll say. He didn’t think anyone would get hurt, he’ll say. “I was only trying to fit in with the guys at my new college. I didn’t think anyone would get hurt” he says.

Now let’s skip back a few years, back to where we were when we skipped forward a couple of years, then let’s skip back a little bit more to the morning he stole the milk. What happened? What happened on that fateful morning that made 48 throw away everything. His hopes and his dreams of working at a Nandos. He also wanted to run open mic acoustic nights at his local pub every second Wednesday but he threw it all away.

You see, he was on his way to college that day when he bumped into the cool kids.

“Whatchya doing?” he asked.

“We’re going milking” says Brent, the hippest, coolest one.

“What’s milking?” asked the ever-curious 48

“It’s easy,” Brent tell him. “You just steal someone’s milk.”

With this, he shoots off down somebody’s front path and just picks up a bottle of milk from the door-step of his poor, unfortunate victim, pops the top of the milk of with the confidence of a big bear, takes a big swig, wipes the glistening white moustache of his wispy upper-lip, turns to 48 and says “Your turn” with a look in his eye so sinister only Stephen King could describe it. It was chilling. There we go. Chilling. We don’t need Stephen King after all.

Nervous, but eager to impress, 48 walks up a few houses and spots his target. A lovely little thatched-roof cottage, with a double garage and a fresh veg growing in the front garden. “These people can afford to buy more milk” he reasoned to himself. “they won’t mind me taking a little pint of milk.”

He crept up the path as slow and gently as he could, reached out for the bottle and grabbed it. It was still cold. This was possibly to be the freshest milk theft ever committed. If you listened closely, you could still hear the milk-float chugging off down the street. He turned to face the cool kids and raised his winnings into the air like that monkey from off The Lion King holding up that baby from off The Lion King in that scene from off The Lion King.

Then he heard the ‘click’ and the ‘squeak’ of the front door opening and an elderly womans voice ask “Are you the new milkman?”. Panic set in. 48 didn’t know what to do so in the same panic as the one that just set in, he set off. He ran as fast as he could. He made it as far as the end of the path when he bumped into a child on a bike, sending him crashing to the ground like a failed NASA mission to Mars. He didn’t look back. He just ran and ran until he got to college and tried his best to forget.

But he didn’t get off so lightly. At lunch-time the police arrived and took him in for questioning. This was the 90’s and people didn’t take kindly to stealing a persons milk. He tried to lie his way out of it but it was no good. There were two witnesses. He was going to be going to jail for a long, long time.

Now let us skip back to where we started skipping back from in the first place. We should be around the point where he’s having ‘Milking’ explained to him by Brent. But it doesn’t matter because we are going to skip back forward to when the old lady opens the door. The same scenario, but he has a car. He has a Mach 2 Ford Escort.

As soon as the woman opens the door, he takes his milk into his Mach 2 Ford Escort and throws it into reverse, smashing through the fresh veg and through a white picket fence into the street.

Bang.

Thud.

Crunch.

He knew what he had done. He had run over the child on the bike, killing him instantly, probably. No child could endure the brute force of the back tire of a car like this Mach 2 Ford Escort. In his panic he throws the Mach 2 Ford Escort into first and smashes into the porch of the cottage, crushing the old lady under the wheels of the Mach 2 Ford Escort. He then slams it back into reverse, runs over the child with the Mach 2 Ford Escort again and goes off to college.

Fast forward to lunch-time. There are no police officers. There is no trouble. No-one mentions anything to him about milk. Why? All the witnesses are dead. That’s why. There is nobody alive who can grass him in to the fuzz. He got away with it.

But unfortunately for 48 this isn’t the case. He didn’t have a car. He didn’t kill the witnesses. He did go to jail.

“Are you the new milkman?”

This would haunt him every night. Every time he shut his eyes he would hear the womans voice.

“Are you the new milkman?”

Eventually he couldn’t take any more of the guilt and he decided to do the unthinkable.

The following day, our friend 48 decided to take his own life. He waited until lights out and he fingered himself… to death.

Is this what you want from your life, reader? Do you want to have to finger yourself to death in a cold prison cell when you could be working at a Nandos and running bi-weekly open mic nights for local acoustic artists who feel the world hasn’t heard enough Oasis covers? I thought not. Let this book change your life. Let me, (Spencer) Miles Lloyd change your life.

“But why? Why should we trust you to change our lives?” you might ask yourself as I am not there for you to ask me directly. “Why you?”

Well, do you see me fingering myself to death in a prison cell?

Exactly.

Part 1: Happiness.

In this first part we will look at making the foundations of a happy, meaningful life. There are many things that make people happy and that all depends on the person. For example, I like to go for long walks through the country and throw stones at cows but I have a friend who finds happiness in setting up fake online dating accounts and robbing lonely, middle-aged women who blindly hand over their life’s savings in a desperate attempt to feel loved once more before deaths sweet embrace.

See? Happiness has no boundaries. What makes you happy? Have you ever been happy? If you’re reading this book I’m going to go ahead and assume you’ve been pretty miserable your entire life and the only reason you haven’t already killed yourself is because you’re a fucking pussy. A spineless, good-for-nothing pussy. But this is good. we can work with this. you are a blank canvas and I am your paint. Rub me on you. Let me trickle down into all your crevasses.

So what can make you happy? A good start is to find out what makes other people happy and go with that. A little known fact is that people only Google things that bring them joy, so let’s look at some of the top 20 most Googled searches from 2001 (the most popular year on record) and see how they can make you happy.

1. Nostradamus.

Nostradamus is a guy who could predict the future. Of course, he couldn’t, nobody can, but he made millions from it. he had all the money and women anyone could want all from scams and lies. He was a modern day rock-star of his time. Like a 16th century Donny Osmond. He would make predictions that nobody would lean were complete and utter bull-shit until hundreds of years after he had died. He was a crafty man. He was smart. Wise. Maybe you could do this, too? Maybe start telling people of Eastenders plots that wont come to fruition until 2345 or that how in the year 2121 Russia will take off and fly back to it’s original home planet of Swag. Lie. It will make you happy.

2. CNN

CNN is the worlds most reliable source of news in the USA. It explains how we are all going to die from new diseases that don’t exist yet outside of US military labs and terrorists will slit your daughter throat because she isn’t brown enough. Oh! And they also say anyone a little bit brown is a danger and that policeman was acting in self-defence. This is all information you need to be happy.

3 World Trade Centre

For those of you that don;t know, the World Trade Centre is a mythical story about two big houses somewhere on the american continent. Where is a mystery as all records have been lost over time. some say it’s where George Bush would feast on babies to give him the inner strength to summon Jesus himself up from the underworld to reign hell-fire on the overworld *Editors note – check that is a word before print* whereas some people don’t believe it ever existed at all. This makes you happy.

4 Osama Bin Laden

Osama Bin Laden was the man the CIA paid handsomely to take the fall for destroying all evidence of the mythical World Trade Centre. It was kind of like a modern day Watergate except we all benefited from it. People use to argue as to whether or not they existed and if the documents were true. These arguments would tear families apart. We lived in a dark, dark world until the documents were destroyed. People would fight in the streets. “They were real!” one man would say. “They were not real!” another would argue back. This isn’t happiness. The CIA saw this and as it is thier god-given duty to make everyone on this Earth we call world happy so they paid Osama to make people think he destroyed the evidence. Now people can only prove that it didn’t exist. Happiness.

5 Jennifer Lopez

J-Lo from the block has a butt that just wont quit. This makes you happy. Unfortunate, she also has an acting career that just wont quit either but her butt is in most, if not all, of her films so it brings the happiness back.

6 American Airlines

This was the name of the plane company that made sure Osama Bin Laden got home safe after he so courageously took the wrap for destroying all documents of the World Trade Centre allegedly existing. This was a truly self-less act by one of the worlds most remarkable companies. Knowing people like this even exist should make you happy.

7 Harry Potter

Harry Potter was a delusional child from Manchester, Scotland, who was convinced he was a witch. that’s right. a witch. A woman witch. He use to force an owl to do magic tricks in an old school hall. One day he cut an albino man’s nose off and that man hated him forever since. Harry use to then taunt him about it to the point where the nose-less albino man went nuts, giving Harry the excuse he needed to straight-up murder him. Harry is dead now. This makes you happy

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