Today I finally achieved something worthwhile. After 25 years of being a useless waste of the human race I can now finally hold my head up high and say “Yes. I AM Miles Lloyd. Who the FUCK are you?” After all this time wandering the planet Earth, amongst other planets, I now have something that separates me from the rest of the chumps. Something that defines me as me. Something that I can shove in the face of every girl that ever left me and the grand-children I probably wont have. I can look them all square in the eye and say “Yes. I DID do the cinnamon challenge and I DID do it well”
That is right. I ate a spoonful of cinnamon without the aid of water and I wasn’t sick. Well, I wasn’t sick untill after I had swallowed it and shown my empty mouth around. About ten seconds after that I was aggressively sick all over Max and Tilly’s balcony. Thinking about it now is making me dry heave. It was disgusting. It doesn’t sound that bad. I thought it was going to be a piece of piss, but it wasn’t. It took me two attempts and a full one-hour of recovery time after the second attempt. I was successful though! I am unusually proud of myself. What’s odd is I tried to eat a chunk of my sick after I had finished being sick and that was easier than trying to eat cinnamon. I probably will not be able to eat a Danish for about six months. I remember once back in Wales I ate a whole clove of garlic and I couldn’t eat garlic for about a year after that without having a flashback to being sick at a bus-stop, reaking fo garlic, on my own at three in the morning. I once snorted a line of tabasco sauce, but that didn’t put me off tabasco sauce. I love that shit too much. It did feel like I was going to die though. I spent ages in a bathroom with my head in my hands thinking my brain was on fire. That was actually the worst thing I have ever done to myself. Until today. Here is the video of my first attempt. I failed.
Failed. You have to wait for the video of the successful attempt. It needs editing and an epic soundtrack. The english language does not have words for how vile it was. The worst part was when I did finally sick it up, a shit-load went through my nose and I was blowing cinnamon out of there for about two hours. I just started heaving at the thought, but you can’t see that so you will just have to take my word for it. I use to work in a pub called Stamps and I gained the nickname “Honest Jon” from the locals, so you know I can be trusted. Honest Jon doesn’t fib. Miles Lloyd does though. He fibs like fuck. For example; did you know that I am very good at having sex with female girls? See? I fib. I can’t even get a girl to actually sleep with me, just lay down next to me and sleep, let alone let me have a go of the boob. Who in their right mind would though to be honest? And, in my defence, every girl I’ve ever had a relationship with has actually proven themselves to be completely mental in one form or another, whether it be by asking me to urinate on them (I declined) or asking me to leave their life, they have proven themselves to be mental. So no girl in their right mind would. Tea? I think I’ll make some tea.
Bang! Tea. Just like that. What was I talking about? Ah yes! Cinnamon challenge/self deprecating my talent with the ladies. Of course! The only things I ever talk about these days. But I do do one of those things very incredibly well. According to me anyway. I love this sleeping pattern I have now. It’s around about 6am – 11am. amazing. You get all of the night to do fuck all, and pretty much all of the day, too! I don’t know why everyone doesn’t sleep like that. Well, I do know. It’s because most people are employable and therefore have jobs to get to. Not this guy though! I haven’t had a proper job in years and I have no intention of starting anytime soon. I’m just going to wait it out until writing vaguely funny things starts to pay off. I’ve nearly done a thousand words! Not bad for a small-town boy with no higher education or qualifications. Well, I had a bit of higher education. I was in Swansea Uni for about four months before I worked out it was a pile of shit. I could have slipped a weed joke in with the “higher education” thing, but I’m just not that sharp. Or witty. Or forthcoming. Or clean. Or strong. Or charming. Or exciting. Or rich. Or alert. Or warm. Or kind. Or loving. Or high. Or cheerful. Or caring. But I did do the cinnamon challenge and I have a pretty girthy penis, so fuck off.
Here is the video of my actually kicking the cinnamon challenge in the arse. I finally got around to adding it here, but without the epic soundtrack I promised. Just play some Blood Brothers over it yourself: