It is Actually too Warm to Sleep.

Actually. This is insane. Where did you come from, warmth, and why must you be harassing me? I could eat a raw chicken breast and by the time it hit my belly it would be fully cooked. The same goes for bacon and sausages. Which I love. I don’t know if I could fry an egg on the way down though. there’s none her to try it with. That is something for tomorrow.

I’m quite glad I’ve started writing so many blogs with my free time, instead of just cry-wanking over ex-girlfriends. Can you believe that the WordPress spell-check doesn’t know ‘blog’ is a real word, spelt correctly? And earlier it tried to let the word “chillaxing” slide as a real-fucking-word! It isn’t, WordPress, you stupid fuck. It also thinks “WordPress” isn’t a real word. What the FUCK is going on over there? I know you’re open-source and all that, but someone must make sure you work. Where are they? Probably cry-wanking over my ex-girlfriends. Wanking IS a real word! It’s been around for ages! I have a fucking dictionary with it in! Christ! It’s been around since the 40’s and is synonymous with ‘tosser’. According to Wikipedia. Oh! So ‘Wikipdia’ is real enough for you, eh WordPress? You just deny your OWN existence? I’m beginning to think maybe I can’t trust the internet any more. I may as well be living in nineteen-ninety-fucking-four. When I was eight and could still just about get away with pissing my pants in public, just not in school and I had to wear a patch over my ‘good’ eye for an hour a week. Those were the days.

This heat is making me all agitated. Where are all the stray cat’s when you need to vent anger? I might have to start self-harming if they don’t show up soon. And all the knives are VERY blunt so it will not be fun, I can assure you. I heard one! I heard a cat! BRB!

False alarm. It was just a baby in a rubbish bin. Bollocks to it. Bollocks to the lot of it!

I am very excited about doing Up the Creek tomorrow. That’s probably the best comedy club in the world, apart from the one me and Max will eventually open up. I’m going to call it ‘The Itchy Beaver Comedy Club’. I gave that name to some mates back in Swansea for a night they started, but the local papers wouldn’t let us advertise because they thought it was too rude. The logo was a beaver scratching itself. It was definitely not meant to be rude. Definitely. Also, I’m going to do “Miles Lloyd’s Childrens Comedy Bit” Which I haven’t done in ages and I loves it. Now apparently I’ve spelt “Lloyd” wrong. NO! BAD WORDPRESS SPELL-CHECK! BAD! Why are you doing this to me? Is it because you know I’m a grammar Nazi and you hate Nazi’s? Is that it? do you hate Nazi’s, WordPress? You bastard. I’m still angry! God-damn it! How on earth am I going to cope with being in LA when 19 degrees centigrade is making my chest hair singe and my sweat steam away off of the top of my shoulders? I am going to punch someone, go to jail, get raped and die.

I don’t wanna go to LA any more.


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