Sexy Sexy Summertime Ladies, or, The Day You Kicked a Dog to Death.


I never have kicked a dog to death. I just thought that would get your attention. The sexy sexy lady thing is just because they’re everywhere now. It’s awesome. None of them want to talk to me, but I’m fine with that, because even if they did it probably wouldn’t last long before I freaked them out with jokes about raping children or something along those lines.

I have had to kick three dogs in my lifetime so far, just not to death. The first one was a few years ago and my mams mate, Dawn, was round with her dog Ziggy. But don’t be fooled by the cool name. Ziggy was a cunt. He’s since been murdered by a vet, hence the ‘was’. Don’t go thinking he’s turned into a nice guy. Dog. Nice dog. Anyway, they were downstairs and I was chillaxing, I can’t believe ‘chillaxing’ hasnt got a little red line under it. Is it ACTUALLY an official word? I hope for the love of the written language it isn’t, anyway, I was chillaxing in my room and decided to go and make a bacon sandwich. I went downstairs and put my bacon in the grill and Ziggy run up to me, looking all lovely. He was a lovely looking dog. Credit served where credits due. ANyway, I went to rub his lovely loking head and he shown me his teeth and ripped into my hand and tore it pretty bad. In retaliation I grabbed his lovely looking face and threw my knee into his jaw whilst screaming the word ‘CUNT’ at him. My mam and Dawn then gave me a massive bollocking for saying the word CUNT and kicking the dog. They then refuses to take me to the hospital so I had to walk there myself.

I don’t have a photo of the bite, I’m afraid, so have one from when I fell down the stairs, as I forgot to add one to that post.

The second time was a few weeks ago when I was skateboarding, that’s right, skateboarding. Who just got that little bit cooler? This guy! Anyway, I was skating through Victoria Park and this dog just ran at me and started biting my fucking legs, so I started to kick him until his owner pulled him off me.

The third time I just kicked a dog. I kinda enjoyed the last two times. It makes me feel alive. Like spitting at other people’s children.

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