Best Job Ever.


Imagine it? Getting hired to offend youths. Doesn’t that sound fantastic? “Fuck you.”, “I think your mam smells”, “I’m going to kill your cat of you don’t get less ugly”, There’s so many ways to do it! Take one minute and write down all the ways you could offend a kid. Do it. Now.

“You probably have small balls”, “Santa is real, he just hates you because of your stupid, ugly, spotty face”, “I’m going to rape your nan on your bedroom floor”, “You make puppies cry to death”, “You’re the reason that Beastie Boy died”, “You look like that video of Gadaffi getting killed”, “You’re a stinky virgin”, “Your mother’s a man and your father’s your gran”, “Why don’t you stick this up your arse because you going to end up gay anyway so you might as well get started now”

Stuff like that. I’d even be willing to do it for minimum wage. UK minimum wage though. Not USA minimum wage. You don’t even earn enough to buy rope to kill yourself with over there. Imagine being so poor you can’t even die? That would suck. I mean, I’m pretty poor right now, but I could afford to kill myself. I’d have to borrow a friends car though because I don’t have one, but I could definitely afford the rubber tubing to feed the fumes into my lungs. But that isn’t how I’d kill myself. I’d like to do it in a way that fucks everyone’s day up. Like that time some prick jumped in front of the train I was on. Ruined everyone’s day. Three hours delay he gave us. But he ruined everyone’s day as well as his own. AND he has been remembered for something. Sure, he’s been remembered for being the dick that got my train stuck in fucking Bridgend for three hours, But he was remembered. And isn’t that all anyone wants? To be remembered and to earn minimum wage picking on kids? I know that’s what I want. What about you?

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