Downing crisps like it’s no-ones business.


Not waking up until 5pm has done me no favours. I suppose that could be blamed on staying up until 10am to put the booze in me though. What an odd hobby, eh? I especially like how the entire area of St. Pauls carnival is today a crime scene. What a night. Gave loads of coppers grief about being coppers AND seen a clever little criminal almost evade the police. I say almost because he was getting away, running all crouched down in the crowd and that, until we started to cheer him on, attracting the attention of said police. And other police. And everyone else. Not the smoothest move, but it’s alright because that was mostly a lie. There were police there. Not Sting off of the Police. That would have sucked arse. Just some coppers. I fucking hate Sting. I hope nobody gets his message. And I fucking hate  Katie B. But that’s alright as I’m playing the same festival as her next weekend so I could probably hit her across the head with half a brick. I’ll have to take my glasses off and my tooth out though so no-one recognises me, but then I’d probably miss because I can’t see shit without my glasses. And the sun will be in my eyes because I timed it wrong. My eyes! I’ll just catch her across the back of her shoulders in a rather feeble fashion and send her into a frenzy then get my face smashed in and then my denture wouldn’t even fit back into my mouth because of all the swelling and extra missing teeth. Will glasses even stay on a face without a nose? And what if she breaks my wrist? I wouldn’t be able to play my songs! I’ll be another nobody again. Just like you. I’d be a shell of the man I was after it. And what about when people find out it was a girl that battered me? I wouldn’t hear the end of it. Especially in the ambulance. The paramedics making fun of me because they haven’t realised I’ve slipped out of my state un-conciousness. And how long will I be out for? I’ve already taken a blow that knocked me out for ten minutes since being 24. I don’t think my brain can take another hit. I don’t want to play anymore. You win this round, Katie B. I just ask that you don’t put it on Youtube.

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